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September 4, 2010 1:14 p.m.
Hello,
Well, I must say you never cease to amaze me. First the recipes, then the fantasy football stuff. You make me feel guilty for the favors I ask of you, even though I only ask because I can’t do it myself and you’ve made it clear that you don’t mind. My independence can sometimes be a gift and a curse, especially in here. Regardless, I’m thankful for you in every capacity. (:
Ahh, there’s always something new on the cell block front. We got a new warden (S) supposedly a “clean up man.” Yeah, this cell block is notorious for disruptive behavior and corruption, so this guy is here to make things better. He’s got his work cut out for him. You see how they’ve jerked me around about my property.
Well, on his third day in office, he locked us down, which sucks for so many reasons. Mainly, we’ll be on lockdown for my birthday. Sure, I can always celebrate later, but it will take some of the luster off of it. Then, we will miss the beginning of college and pro football. Way uncool.
The rumor is that it’s a 30 day lockdown, which no one was prepared for. I’ve got about 10 soups, some chips, beans, and a few condiments. I’ll be okay. What I don’t have is stamps. ):
Really from what I hear, I look forward to meeting the guy. He’s like 6’7”, 300 lbs, black, intimidating, but known to be fair. What do I have to lose by turning him loose on his dirty staff?
I was sorry to hear of your frustrating ordeal thinking that you’d lost all of those (computer) files and glad that you found them. Trying to look at every situation in the best possible light, if nothing else, the experience kept you on your toes. I’m willing to bet, if the same thing were to happen again, you’d be completely calm and prepared.
Yes, again, thank you for writing Mr. R. However, do not trouble yourself with him anymore. I’m sad to say that he was most ungrateful, which did not sit well with me after all the crying he did. Then because you are one of my favorite people, I found it personally offensive that he opted not to write back, but instead to ask that I thank you for him. Well, to hell with him and my apologies for asking.
I have family that I’ve not seen
in over five years.
You would really come and visit? Well just the thought is good for me! I have family that I’ve not seen in over five years, despite promises. Out of sight, out of mind. I’m not as bitter about it as I used to be, but it still bothers me to get the syrupy sweet cards on holidays, knowing there’s nothing behind them.
Really, I pride myself on sending love to those I care for on special days. Who doesn’t want to be reminded that someone cares?
The robber. Ha, what a joke now. He tries to speak to me every chance he gets. Really, I don’t try to, but I think I give off an underlying presence of quiet and contained danger beneath my humor and civility. It’s wise to let sleeping giants sleep. (:
My mom will be on Extreme Home Makeover sometime in October. She helped with the demolishing and rebuilding. Yeah….my “friend” Rashard has failed to contact me. Smart move, it’ll save him a few thousand dollars. (:
Mysteries are my favorite, too. Did I tell you that Dean Koontz is my favorite author? Yep, he, John Saul, Michael Connelly, Iris Johansen, James Patterson, Robert McCammon….
Pretty much though, I’ll read anything that’s well written. I enjoy fantasy also. Just finished a really good book by Michael Connelly, The Brass Verdict. That reminds me of something.
First, thanks for looking up stuff for me all the time. I’m very grateful. Now (: I’m not sure how familiar you are with are, but there is an artist I came across in some of Connelly’s writing, and I love his work. I’ve been trying to get my mom to send me one piece in particular for several years now. The painter’s name is Hieronymus Bosch. The painting is “The Garden of Earthly Delights.” It is sort of dark, as is all of his work, but intriguing. Of course, I don’t expect you to find a print of the painting, but just a picture off the computer. It’s three panels, but very, very interesting.
Can you believe that two Monday’s ago it was still 107 degrees at 5 p.m. here, and the past few days have been cool and pleasant, although it’s hot and uncomfortable right now. I welcome the cooler temps. I get so tired of sweating perpetually.
What does “SOC” stand for? Just curious. (SendOutCards)
That rabbit must really be getting to you. You referred to he/she as a “damn rabbit,” or no, he eats in the same “damn spot!” That’s funny. May I offer a solution? I’m a bit of a country boy. If your husband doesn’t own any traps (probably not) one can be bought at a feed store. What you need is a wire box with a trap door. Basically you put a special treat for your little friend in the cage, and when he noses past the door, it will shut behind him.
He’ll have a very special last meal and if you like, rabbit stew! Or you could release him about 10 miles away. I’d rather eat him for the trouble he caused.
The photo you sent reminds me of when my son was only a few months old and I’d gone to look at some property in Sommerville, Texas. We were driving past a long stretch of highway adorned with blazing bluebonnets and Indian paint brush. We pulled over and put my little boy down in the flowers. We took the pictures with a 35mm and they were good shots because of his awe and innocence. My grandmother, who is a photographer, developed the film, but only colored the yellows and blues, leaving all else in black and white. Well, my son had on a yellow Blue Clues onesy and blue jean short and blue and white Air Jordans. The picture came out wonderfully and won some baby picture contest. I wish I had those photos.
I drafted my fantasy team already and did pretty good. I got Maurice Jones Drew, Ryan Matthews, Matt Shaub, Deshawn Jackson, Greenbay’s defense, Hines Ward, Jermichael Finley, Kellen Winslow, Johnny Lenox, Golden Tate, Kyle Orton, James Harrison, Todd Heap and Rob Bironas. Their stats will determine my standings week to week. It’s been really fun.
All of the cheesecake
recipes look delicious!
All of the cheesecake recipes look delicious! Unfortunately, I can’t make any of them until I’m hired back to the food service department. Hopefully that will be soon. As soon as I have a chance to bend the new warden’s ear, I’m going to tell him about my skills. In the meantime, do you have a no-bake recipe. I know one, but I’d like to improve on it. It’s basically cream cheese, powdered milk, Sprite, lemon Kool-Aid, sugar and butter (graham crackers, butter, strawberry preserves). It’s really good, especially for something made in a prison cell!
I’m all over the place! I read a book by a lady named Karen Harper, The Hiding Place. It takes place in Colorado mostly, Blackhawk, Black Mountain, Shadow Mountain, Big Rock and Red Rock Amphitheater. I was glad for your husband’s pictures, and my vivid imagination, combined they made the story real.
Loved the card! It instantly became a favorite. You know I jog everyday and the road has become my focus for my job now. It looks so peaceful and serene. It was a wonderful and thoughtful gift!
Seems I’ve let my pen get away from me. Better let you get back to your busy schedule. Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. I do the same, always!Loved the card!
It instantly became a favorite.
P.S. I’d love any pictures of trails and natural roads like that!
October 6, 2010 8:11 p.m.
How are you? So sorry I’ve taken so long to write back. We were on a 30-day lockdown and I ran out of stamps early. I’m okay for a while now. Hopefully no more lockdowns any time soon. I know that the new warden is going to shut down the kitchens to get them cleaned and up to code. They are very nasty, stinky and roach infested! Unfortunately, we’ll have to eat sack lunches until that’s done. So I tried to stock up on food.
Been trying to get my family to send me about $100 at one time so I can go down to commissary and purchase about $50 worth of cookies and stuff to make cakes. That will make $100, $50 of which I’ll take to reinvest, but they, for whatever reason, are blind to my business plan. Gotta count my blessings, I guess.
You can’t imagine the smiles and
positive thoughts you inspire.
Well, this new warden has definitely stirred things up. He’s a big, no-nonsense type of guy. Aside from my initial dislike of him for locking us down on my birthday and causing us to miss three weeks of football, I like him. Spoke to him last week and asked for a job in the kitchen. He said he would do that for me and made me promise not to let him down. It hasn’t happened yet. Maybe you’ll find the time to email him and say something kind about me, perhaps about me deserving a chance? (: I’d appreciate it, as always.
Really, I’m tired of sitting idle. I need to be productive, you know? Plus, I want to cook. I hate not using my talents.
I’ve stopped using the cane. Doing pretty good, too. Actually, I’m doing pretty good emotionally and mentally as well. I can’t really explain it, but a clarity has overcome me, a sharper understanding and better grasp of patience. It sounds silly to say, “Oh, I turned 30 and just matured a bunch.” But I can’t really explain it. Maybe it’s spiritual? I’ve started praying more often, more seriously, and find myself more at peace. Let’s hope it continues? If I get this job, they’ll move me from this side of the unit to the south side where it’s easier to do time.
The last pictures were beautiful! Fall in Texas has its moments, but it's not breath-taking like Colorado. The pictures almost show the crispness of the air! Glad you could enjoy a vacation! (:
I must say, your Broncos look pretty good. Kyle Orton is chucking that ball for over 300 yards a game. They look to be contenders. I hope they beat the crap out of the undefeated-overrated Kansas City Chiefs! (chumps!)
Well, this will be a short letter. Have to study for an English test. I’m averaging a 95 right now and would like to keep it. Take care. Hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
October 19, 2010 10:40 p.m.
Wow!
Haven’t you been a busy bee lately! With all you do, I don’t know how you find the time to write me so often, but I’m glad you do. (: You can’t imagine the smiles and positive thoughts you inspire. Today’s letter especially made me feel good! You know, a pure joy, where you catch yourself with a big goofy toothy smile on your face and you don’t even care how silly you look? Thank you.
However, I’ve got some catching up to do, so let me start from the beginning and respond to your letters in the order that they were received. The first one is dated Oct. 4.
As always, great photos! One reminds me of my own baby girl, Jaycy Krystyne (yeah her mother insisted on naming her after me, but my son’s named after me already so she was creative. It fits her though). My little boy couldn’t say “Jaycy Krystyne” when she was born, and his attempts sounded like “Jelly Bean,” so that’s what she goes by. That was very fitting when she was an infant because she was a chubby baby. Anyhow, when I saw the picture of your granddaughter holding a pumpkin that’s nearly as big as her, I thought of Jaycy.
I washed clothes for two hours.
Wasn’t sure I’d get to this tonight. I washed clothes for two hours, though it felt like forever! ): My fingertips are all pruned. Makes me think of when I was little and would stay in the tub until my toes and fingers were wrinkled. And isn’t it amazing the amount of dirt that comes off a little person? My mom and aunts would complain about it when I was a child. Then I got to see what they meant when I had children of my own. Goodness! Sometimes I’d have to drain the tub and run fresh water for my two youngest. They would magically get so filthy that a bubble bath would become milky grey, not that they’d notice or care. Kids.
My mom worked full time, sometimes taking on part time job as well. I still did band, played football, basketball, golf, ran track and was on student council, but my mom was rarely able to see me play. Most evenings, I got a ride with the parents of a friend, or I walked to keep from having to explain to coaches why my ride had not shown up. Back then, it was a hard pill to swallow, but in hindsight, I’m thankful for the sacrifices she made to provide for us.
Well, as you probably already know we are out of lockdown since the first days of October. It feels good to be able to move around. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my peace and solitude, but not by force. They run outside recreation two or three times a day when the weather allows it, but I rarely go outside for many reasons. Mainly because of the temperature extremes. It’s either really hot, or really cold, and you’re stuck for two hours. Not cool. Also, the ground out there is uneven, and I fear trusting my balance. Plus, the gangs meet out there and discuss the current drama, who’s going to jump who, who’s going to stab who…I stay away from the nonsense. True, the weights are out there, but I’d rather work out in my cell in peace, where I can bath right afterwards.
I know, I know, I’ll explain. I had so much washing to do, because I wash my own clothes. Sure, everyone washes their own socks, boxers, t-shirts, shorts and long johns, but I wash my state issued pants and shirt everyday as well. Most people just change theirs out Monday, Wednesday and Friday in the morning at shower. I want my clothes clean every day, so I do it myself. I don’t go to showers either.
The showers here are community showers, 50-60 naked guys standing next to each other, chit chatting, rushing to get clean in warm water, standing in slow draining runoff and the officers cut the water off in two to three minutes. Then, it’s cold because the vents are pulling in air from outside. Then, they are going to give you a dingy set of clothes that don’t fit. It’s a filthy and very homosexual experience. I opt to bathe in my cell.
The toilet is all important!
It’s the washer, the tub, and of course,
the toilet. Keep it clean is a must!
How? Our cells are much like the one you saw in the picture in the article you sent me, but slightly smaller. There are two bunks against the wall, a desk in the back corner, a stainless steel toilet/sink combo on the back wall and lockers and shelves overhead at the cell’s entrance. The toilet is all important! It’s the washer, the tub, and of course, the toilet. Keep it clean is a must! As is bleach, which is illegal and considered contraband. Yes, one must break some rules to survive. Laundry workers steal the bleach, which means the clothes don’t get clean (we wear white tops and pants), then they sell it for food or stamps or cigarettes, which are illegal too. I keep my cell very clean, and use my hot pot for hot water to bathe and rinse with. I know, when I first got here, I said I would never adapt! But when you look at the alternative…. Hope I explained well? Prison life is crazy. To dry the clothes, I wring them out and hang them on a clothesline of white tennis shoe strings and aim my fan up at them, fold them and lay them under my mat to press and crease them.
If we had mental telepathy, I’d never speak to these people.
Funny you mention the dentist. About ten years ago, one of my lower molars cracked while chewing ice. Well, I was later eating some roasted pumpkin seeds and one stabbed down into that tooth! Ouch! Talk about pain! It got infected, the right side of my face swole up like the elephant man and I went to the dentist. They told me I had an abscess and sent me to the emergency room. Several antibiotic and hydrocones later, I got the tooth filled.
Yeah, the Broncos pulled it off against a good Tennessee team, but the Ravens were too much. I figured they’d bounce back, but they lost again this Sunday. Hopefully they’ll get it together soon. The bright side is San Diego isn’t playing well, K.C. is over-rated and Oakland is awful. So there’s hope. At least they are better than Dallas! They are just pitiful!
You must be very patient. I’m computer literate, but my patience with computers is limited. When that stupid little box starts popping up on the screen, it drives me wild! I couldn’t imagine trying to hunt down files that don’t want to be found. Good thing for the Geek Squad, huh? (: Glad they could help. My brother works tech support for Dell. I don’t like laptops either, they mess with my eyes.
My leg is better.
My leg is better. I’m so happy to go without the cane, I dread the upcoming surgery. I’ll have to go back to crutches for a while and lose my new freedom.
There is no rodeo on this unit (like in the article you sent me), but it sounds like fun…maybe. There are other things to do, but reading is my thing because it’s personal and it provides an escape. I get to explore new worlds and cultures instead of dwelling on prison. Guys in the dayroom play dominoes, Scrabble, chess and checkers. I avoid all of that. Too much cursing, gambling, fighting….just negativity. It would appall you. I’m not perfect, but these guys take crude to a new level. They call each other “bitches, “hoes,” “d***suckers”…anything you can imagine, with a smile. I don’t play that crap. They talk to the women and men officers like that. Horse play, expose themselves to one another and women officers for gratification….it’s that bad. This place is a zoo. I hate to be associated with these clowns.
Well, I almost made it. Only one more letter to respond to, but I’m tired. I’ll probably finish up tomorrow. Still, I’m going to go ahead and send this out so you know that I’m thinking of you. Also, I thank you very much for your letter to the warden. I haven’t got to that letter yet, but I want you to feel appreciated.
Hope you are able to read my chicken scratch without straining your eyes too bad. (: Like I said, I’ll finish up tomorrow and send that letter as well. Take care!
Sincerely,
Blog
Want
By now you know of my circumstances, my hope, my happiness….most of the time. That doesn’t mean that I do not want. As a matter of fact, there is so much that I want, want with an urgency, a desperation that leaps the borders of want-need, and tugs that much harder at my soul. Yes, I want for needs because in prison one doesn’t have the luxury of having any needs outside of food, water and…well, it’s more shelter than some have. Rest, affection, love, comfort…all of that becomes cliché, the stuff of dreams and memories.
It goes without saying that I want for my babies, want them in a way that is indescribable, insufferable and much too painful to dwell on at length. I want redemption, life in a functional environment, to earn my way, to earn my peace.
But a longing, a craving, a desire….creates another creature. A woman…there’s nothing like a woman. A woman’s presence alone delivers me. Her scent, her aura, her softness, her strength…she sends me soaring, spiraling through clouds and stars…in wonder.
No amount of time can rust or erase my memory of a woman’s touch, her nearness, her music, her song, her flavor, her everything. The sparkle in her eyes is eternal, engraved in my mind’s eye. Her delicate features, the silky smoothness of her skin, the fullness of her lips, her hair, her enticing curves….she is less than and more than I, everything that I’m not and everything that I want.
Although I am proud of my strength, I am so helplessly weak for a beautiful woman. Not just beautiful in appearance, but beautiful in every way imaginable, to the heart. It is she who haunts my thoughts, awake and asleep, who I can smell when I close my eyes, who I can touch only in my dreams.
What I wouldn’t give to hold a woman’s small feminine hand, inhale her sweet intoxicating aroma, look upon her beauty, like watching infinite waves gently splash onto the beach, hear the angel’s symphony that is her voice, and savor the rare and erotic fruit of her kiss. Only a woman could so effortlessly dominate my senses, drowning them in a euphoric bliss that is overwhelming and soothing at once.
Somehow, some way, I do without, I maintain. There are women here, but they are not for me. They are forbidden by perverse law that punishes with the most extreme consequences. At times those laws are forgotten, smothered by the laws of attraction. In these fleeting moments I am touched, smiled upon, kissed, desired while risk stands at the periphery, wagging an admonishing finger in warning. The risk for her is the loss of her job; for me the loss of the little privilege there is and possibly my pending freedom. So we part with concrete longing, wearing the warmth of the moment like a child’s favorite blanket. Some cast risk aside, lost in the moment. It is tempting.
In the end though, as always, there is only hope. With the joys of life absent, this is just existing. Some sit stagnant. Some digress, falling deeper into the bowels of despair. I progress, in college, in workouts, in reading, in thinking, in prayer, in focus, in understanding, so that each day is an improvement. Upon my release, I’ll become an asset to the world, not a liability. Same goes for a relationship. A woman, that woman is going to get a hell of a man—a man who has been working, striving, wanting, longing for, and developing a new appreciation for her. And when we meet, she’ll know…she’ll know that I’ve been wanting her forever.
