Jason expresses himself with poetry

Sometimes

Is it wrong for a grown man to wish on a star?

In his own lonely world, with his loved ones too far,

To reach out to, speak out to, stifle his cries,

When his spirit is shattered, and the strength in him dries?

Is it wise to hope for a future unknown?

With a war weary soul, now remember, he’s grown.

And the things that he’s seen, bent and broke lesser men,

So he prays for a place better than where he’s been.

Is it a sin to want an end to the pain?

A cease of the bloodshed, some peace for his brain,

A dry face for momma, an end to her tears,

Keys to a new life, the lease paid for years?

Is it too much to ask for a glass spilling over, 

Of joy and delight, living righteous and sober,

Progress and growth, and the heart of a lion,

Is it wrong to have hope when you’re hopeless, sometimes?

(Black) Bitch

I’d be sorry if I called you “Bitch” and you didn’t deserve it.

But everytime I’ve called you “Bitch,” I promise that you’ve earned it.

Dogging me for being me, respectable and faithful,

Trying to give my sister love, in exchange for hateful.

Won’t let you tear me from my throne and make a “Bitch” of me,

I’ll wash my hands, remain a man, and set you “Bitches” free,

‘Cause what I need’s a Queen of queens, regardless of her love,

Turned up my now when I proposed, that’s why my Queen’s not you.

 

 

May 8, 2011 11:06 pm

Happy Mother’s Day!

Oh, what long awful days! My sinuses are out of control. I’m so miserable! There’s much I want to tell, but the way I feel… hope you understand.  God willing, tomorrow will be a better day.

Um, if you have the time, yeah, it would be helpful to inquire about the stolen property.  I found out Friday evening that they did an investigation and it looks like they’ll have to pay me. The warden is the one holding things up. Go figure.

You are so busy lately! How you find time for me, I don’t know, but I’m tremendously thankful!

Well, let me try to get some rest.

Love,

May 9, 2011  8:43 pm

I really, really miss you! Does that sound crazy? I mean, because we’ve never physically met…but I’ve been so …hampered as of late, it feels like I’ve not been spending nearly enough time with you.

So much has been going on, I don’t know where to start. Right now, my head is pounding! It hurt to chew my food. Apparently my allergy shot wore off and I’m under assault. The weekend dragged by, headaches, runny nose, body sore, eyes burning. I think I had a fever. And the medicine made me so drowsy and did not work, so I’ve been a zombie, a non-productive zombie.

My toilet has been leaking for three days, can’t get these great caretakers to fix it so I’m living like a Tiger, water running all over the floor! It’s hot! Just not good right now. I can only pray I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel better, because it’ll be five days before the infirmary lays me in, then another three days to see a doctor if the nurse decides that I’m worthy. Your tax dollars hard at work.

They moved the other clown out of here. Well, actually, he got himself moved, “caught out” because he owed somebody some money and chose not to pay. He was a filthy little sniveling coward anyhow, so it worked, because I was going to break his neck.

The guy they put in here is pretty cool, clean, even-tempered, easy to get along with. The only thing is, sharing space, sharing time. It’s cut way into my productivity. My overall objective is to get my single cell back, but for now, it’s manageable.

Last Friday, a bunch of guys got drug tested. Out of twelve guys, eight failed.  Stupid.  So glad I don’t have to worry about that.  They say somebody snitched, which is probably true, because they couldn’t have randomly picked that accurately. Still, they’ve been testing the whole unit. These nuts took that chance and lost. No more gambling with my freedom for me. I won’t lie, I don’t think about drinking or cigarettes, but now and then, getting high appeals to me. Never for long, though. When I weigh it out, the urge passes quickly.

I’m rambling. Let me respond to your letters.

The warden earned a few points, but he’s still a jive turkey.

Yeah, my uncle is cool. It’s good to be able to talk to someone with some sense every once in a while. Plus he’s so positive and understanding. He asked about the book and I told him to contact you through the email address, so I hope that’s what he does.

Well, I ended up mustering up the stuff to write the “How I got here.” I’m sure you’ve received it by now. Pretty sure you’ll enjoy it in that regretful appreciative way. It’s history and maybe someone else will learn from it.  I know people will relate. I got to share it with one person and he was so moved he said it had him unable to concentrate at school. It is the common truth never told. Trying to maintain an image, keep up appearances, satisfy the naysayers. Yeah, the phone would have been convenient the past few months, but soon enough.

Mr. Walker was very pleased with your note (regarding publishing a book) and talked to his girlfriend immediately. They are getting it all together so as to keep the guesswork out of it. 

I’ll pretty much try to weed out the riffraff as far as who I recommend to you for publishing. The majority of these guys are so full of it. Everybody wants me to publish the novel I told you about, and they’re right. It would definitely make money, but I just don’t feel comfortable sending that raw of a story to you. There’s got to be an alternative.

If I do complete this novel, I want to be able to give you more help, and I want so much! But I’m definitely excited, just trying to stay humble, focused.  As per your request, I’m sending the first section of the novel. I know I’m going to have to buy a typewriter, but in the meantime, I’ll just edit directly on the printed sheets. I know my handwriting is out of control and the source of many errors. Sorry.

You are so busy! That’s another reason I’ve been writing less, trying not to become a burden. You already do so much for me, you know. I’ve been holding off on the first part of the novel for that reason too.  And if I don’t seem excited about the book, that’s not it, I just want to do well!

The NFL draft info was awesome. Thank you. Some guys have got the paper, but I’m not into kissing their butts to read it. I’ll do without.

A tiny bunny, huh? They make the best meat because they aren’t tough yet. Face it, you are the wabbit lady, you’ve got the tastiest grass. Ida’ve stuck with them.

Wow, those blogs shocked me. I’d forgotten about several of those. Looks like I need to pick the pen back up and zone it. It’s in me, just been letting it build, but it’s always there.

Yeah, the termites sucked, but it was short lived. Unfortunately, there are all other varieties of bugs drifting in and out at will now. They really need to replace the screens. Enough spider bites will get the job done.

No, I’ve not named my pet spider. And it’s ironic that you should ask because I saw part of “Charlotte’s Web” Saturday and that creepy Korean Burn Out face of the spider stuck in my mind. Of course though, I can’t name the spider “Charlotte,” perhaps Annette.

Yes, unfortunately, we have no real lawyers in here. There are a bunch of “jailhouse” lawyers but 90% of them are con artists. Plus they gossip like little girls and tell all of your business. Even outside of prison, the state of Texas is so biased when it comes to custody and child support.

You would have loved to be a fly on the wall for the conversation between the warden and me. I didn’t back down, but in the end, he still conned me. He’s just a politician, unable of being in touch with the people he governs.

He’s the hold up now. My story proved true, and by right they should reimburse me, but I don’t expect a tyrant to honor his word.

Yes! The semester is over. No classes this week! But classes start again on the 19^th.  I’ve not heard from my uncle so I’m only signing up for one class again. Psychology. I really don’t want to take it because people who take psychology think they are smart, and that irritates me when stupid people try to use words they can’t pronounce or define. Just taking it to get it out of the way.

How crazy that we get the paper stuff situated, now I’m about to run out of paper, again. Forgot to buy a note pad when we went to commissary. My uncle was supposed to be sending some more paper, hopefully it’ll be here soon.

Rest. I saw on Dr. Oz today (Rachel Ray was on! I love that woman! And she’s 42! She looks 22! Gorgeous!).  I’m not getting nearly enough sleep, so it’s my bedtime. Going to try to start getting at least seven hours instead of five in fragments.

Hope you enjoy the writing!

Love,

 

Blog expresses Jason's future outlook

May 1, 2011  10:08 PM

Hello, hello, hello! Ha! Good mood right now. I’ll respond to your letter before I share. Hold tight.

Yeah, I’m glad you liked the card! That’s probably the best work I’ve seen Scott do.

Yes, thank you again for everything! It’s just like I imagined, the surge of confidence that comes with the book…it’s unreal. And everywhere I go, people are asking me a million questions. It’s cool though.

Umm, I know you’re offering so I won’t put up a fuss. I only need two copies. One for myself and one for the library.  Everyone keeps asking when and where they can buy it, so let’s let them buy it.

I was thinking about my grandmother, but assume she’ll be pleased to buy a copy.

Oprah? Really? Wow!

Well, as of now, I’m waiting on the job still.  The new doctor took my bottom row restriction so they’ll probably move me to another floor soon.  I’m going to have to fight to get it back.  My single cell is lost too.  I’m adjusting.  My celly is decent.  The one before him was a little girl who never wanted to leave the cell, never bathe, smelled, and he ended up checking out because he owed somebody $45. I was happy to get rid of that coward.  I was on the verge of breaking his neck. He was nasty, pissed all over the toilet seat then threw a wad of tissue on the pee, didn’t wash his hands, just crawled back in bed.  Bastard.

Whatever happens, my address will stay the same, just a different cell and or cellblock.

Man, I’m tired, three hours of sleep in the last two days.  Better sleep now and get back to you later.

Enclosed is a surprise. (blog on “The How I Got Here”) Hopefully it works for you. Use it however you like, but it’s what happened.  Took a lot out of me too, but it feels good to have it out!

Love,

 

May 2, 2011  11:23 pm

WOW! It has dropped back down to near freezing! I’m so cold, jacket on, bundled up in the bed, shivering. Everybody around me is sick, it’s crazy,

Of course, I got a letter from you today!  It’s beautiful to know that someone is always thinking about me. However, it will be good when I can call. Right now we’re missing each other on the letters.

As anxious as I am to get the book out there, I want it to be the best it can be, and the chapter I sent off to you this morning would definitely add to the book. You were right and I was wrong. “The How I Got Here” story was needed.  Hopefully you didn’t listen to me.

Also, I caught a few more errors that I want to check on. Like before, they are all do to my handwriting. I’m going to have to purchase a typewriter if for no other reason than to save you from straining from reading chicken scratch.

Love the cover letters. (for books being sent for marketing) You think of everything! The only thing that bothers me is where it says that the proceeds will go to me. I mean, it’s true, but I do plan on setting up something for my kids. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, but maybe we can mention something about my kids, because I am going to work hard so I can provide for them. It’s your call, I just…I don’t know. A father’s love.

And you know I’m so in love with Rachel Ray! I would love her just possibly reading the book! You are on top of everything though.

Get paid, network, expand. You guys are doing great!

Um, you asked about local papers…The Houston paper is The Houston Chronicle, the Austin paper is The Austin American Statesman.  Great tactics!

I’d really better get to bed. No telling what tomorrow brings.

Love,

Blog One Day

How can I be so critical of a people whom I once belonged to?  How can I despise that which I once was?  And how is it that even through my drastic and dramatic change I can recognize the fool that I used to be?

Well, I don’t have all the answers; I don’t even have half of the answers. But the precious few that I do have, set me apart from the pack.  Far apart. In this brutal half a decade, I’ve become a completely different person, while retaining my beneficial characteristics. I’ll be honest, the improvement has been great, perhaps making me somewhat bitter. That’s justified by the ideas that I have every right to despise this place, my oppressors, my demons, my situation, or else risk becoming complacent with the strife, comfortable in a hell hole, down with being downtrodden.  NO, that is not an option.

Don’t get it twisted, although I once had the child mentality that most of these grown men still possess. Thank God that the strong women of my family instilled in my head the importance of respect. So actually, I came in ahead of the game.  And because I’m not a savage, I’m “weak,” “friendly,” “too nice.”

Yeah, it bothers me.  Shouldn’t it?  I know I’ve seen more, endured more than most, and survived.  My strength and stability aren’t on trial. But I am.

And it’s not only inmates, the guards are just as ignorant and assuming as the “nobodys.” They just baby-sit.

Male guards will try to big chest me because I’m laid back, push me because I’m well mannered, antagonize me because I’m articulate, as if to imply that anyone who can think must be a sissy, that there is something soft about a man who is no longer a criminal and wants to go home, who wants his freedom and is willing to swallow his pride to get it.

Female guards will flirt some, even acknowledge that they find me attractive, but put me in the “good guy” box.  What the hell?  If you know me, you know my history with women is very um…let’s say “colorful.”  At one point in my life, hell, as early as high school, to be with three or four different young ladies in the span of a week was common.  I was worse once out of school and more experienced.

Call me cocky, but women have always come easy to me. Not now.  I see women make fools of themselves for undercover homosexuals, castouts and rejects, while the “nice guys” wait in the wings. It’s crazy.

Luckily, my understanding of life and people help me to understand that I am just a piece that doesn’t fit into this puzzle. Oh yeah, I committed a crime and I should be punished, I accept that.  But I will not pretend to accept this environment of these warped ways of thinking.  Instead of becoming insecure and detached, I grow more confident with each passing day.  This world is not my home.  I’m a king amongst thieves, still stealing the light out each sunrise. This is no place for a ruler and they resent me. So be it.

My self-assurance puts off those who need to be reassured that they are important in a world of bottom feeders.  I am of a different breed, temporarily stranded in this desolate valley on my trek to the top.

Success is in my bearing, let alone my mentality. It’s clear now that sacrifices are due, that the cost must be paid forward in blood, sweat, and tears. Before a man can rise to greatness, he must first fall, then his ascending will be that much more spectacular.

One day, men will follow my lead into doing wonderful and beneficial things. My struggles will strengthen me to carry a great many people and my work will bring joy to those it touches.

One day, a woman will proudly take my name, breathe in my love and loyalty, and appreciate my kindness.  Other women will envy her, but none will find my favor, for a king shall only have one love queen. They’ll ask “where did she find him?”  Some will scoff that I’d been in prison all of my life. No one will admit that I was discarded, forgotten and by the grace of God, came back better than he left.

But isn’t that the whole purpose of locking someone up, taking them from everyone and everything that they love, throwing them into a world of hatred and ugliness that they reemerge improved and ready for society? My mind is free just waiting on the rest.

One day…