Soul searching proves growth

 January 12, 2012

Well, even after I told you that I wasn’t going to pay attention to the rumors about lockdown, I still listened and I still thought that every day was the day.  So I didn’t write, trying to keep stamps for the lockdown that never happened.

But now I here I am.  Maybe not a long letter, but I didn’t want to go the weekend without getting something in the mail to you.  Busy is good and it seems that we’ve both been very busy.  I know that I’ve been exhausted at the end of my days.  Made my mind up to not skip working out unless I just can’t get it in, make time.  With that, work for ten hours each day, cakes, washing, reading my Bible…yeah, it’s extreme.

Gotta make time for the people that you love though.

Not much going on outside of the daily grind.  A lot of soul searching and finding myself.  You’ll see when I find the time to copy all the stuff I’ve been writing where you can read it.  Gonna send some stuff, though.

Really every day I feel more…I don’t know…it’s more than maturity.  I feel detached from these people.  My sight has become more like an out-of-body experience, like I’m watching it all play out from another plan.  It’s strange because I can almost predict the action of others.  No, I’m not saying I’m psychic, it’s just that despite the numerous personalities in here, they are so alike in so many ways it’s easy to know how people will react to certain situations.

What this place feels like is middle school.  I don’t see a bunch of grown men, I see a bunch of children, some in the bodies of man, but nearly all with the mindset, mentality of a teenager.  The lack of responsibility, the nonchalance, the disrespect, the bitterness, the rebellion…and I’m ashamed that I ever behaved like that if I did.  (I’m sure I did at one point.)  Also, I’m ashamed for them that they don’t see the error in their ways, that they have children and wives who will never be able to depend on them because they have selfishly held on to their adolescence, living in their second childhood.

Oh, I’m still silly when there’s time for it, and I’ve retained some of my child heart, but my mind is that of a man and my soul…I’ve got an old soul.  I’m not ashamed of me though.  With each passing day, I’m more confident and in touch with self.  But you are aware that this is all because you watched the transformation, nurtured it.

So here I am, growing like a wildflower, stretching upwards, always facing the sun, beaming.  Thank you.  Rain won’t deter me, only make me grow more.  I can see blessings in all things, especially the love that you give without fail.

Love,

Essay - Look Back 

to See Where You’re Going

Suddenly, this morning, I’ve come to the realization that as a society, as a country, as a people, we spend far too much time projection and not nearly enough time reflecting.  Seriously, we spend so much time plotting, planning, scheming, dreaming, “ifing”, wishing and tripping on what’ to come, what happens next, what the future holds…  But what about the past?  Your journey?  Isn’t that how you got to where you are right this moment?

Ah, and this is why I’m able to grow at such a rapid rate, because I’ve learned to go back into the past.  Yeah, I guess you could say that I’m a time traveler of sorts.  I find myself delving into the “what was” remembering reactions, replaying conversations, analyzing dialogue, expressions, pondering what might have been done or said to improve each situation and/or interaction.  Some people accuse me of “thinking too much.”  Hmmm…I won’t say that I cannot think of one span of time or period in my life where I stopped thinking.  I’m not even sure that’s possible.  Is it?  Does the mind every really rest?  Even when I’ve done something utterly stupid, I still thought about it.

Picking apart and dissecting the past, the “what was,” allows me to better control the future, the “what will be.”  No it’s not an absolute science, but in my experience, it’s accurate enough to make a positive difference.  Feel free to read The 48 Laws of Power, the art of War, the Art of Seduction or whatever “self-help” books written by someone make rich off of your desperation who hasn’t lived your life or traveled your journey.  In the end, the fact still remains that experience is the best teacher.  Our experience molds us.  If we learn from our past, we tend not to make the same mistakes in the future.  Yup, that simple.

And so I place my past under the mind’s microscope and examine each slid at length.  Sometimes what I find is mundane yet useful.  Sometimes what I find is quite intriguing because when caught up in the moment, you don’t always see things as clearly as you do in reviews.  Why do you think sports organizations spend so much money and time analyzing film from past games, universities and institutions spend so much money and time studying behavioral patterns, and how do you explain our fascination with realty TV?

Hindsight is indeed 20/20, hence the saying, “If I only knew then what I know now!”  So spend a little more time thinking about the past, whether it was five years ago, five days ago, or five minutes ago and better understand what you should do in the future.  Learn yourself.  No one is responsible for your happiness but you.  The keys to becoming the person you desire in the future lie in the past.  Reflect.  What you see may astonish you.