Soul searching proves growth

 January 12, 2012

Well, even after I told you that I wasn’t going to pay attention to the rumors about lockdown, I still listened and I still thought that every day was the day.  So I didn’t write, trying to keep stamps for the lockdown that never happened.

But now I here I am.  Maybe not a long letter, but I didn’t want to go the weekend without getting something in the mail to you.  Busy is good and it seems that we’ve both been very busy.  I know that I’ve been exhausted at the end of my days.  Made my mind up to not skip working out unless I just can’t get it in, make time.  With that, work for ten hours each day, cakes, washing, reading my Bible…yeah, it’s extreme.

Gotta make time for the people that you love though.

Not much going on outside of the daily grind.  A lot of soul searching and finding myself.  You’ll see when I find the time to copy all the stuff I’ve been writing where you can read it.  Gonna send some stuff, though.

Really every day I feel more…I don’t know…it’s more than maturity.  I feel detached from these people.  My sight has become more like an out-of-body experience, like I’m watching it all play out from another plan.  It’s strange because I can almost predict the action of others.  No, I’m not saying I’m psychic, it’s just that despite the numerous personalities in here, they are so alike in so many ways it’s easy to know how people will react to certain situations.

What this place feels like is middle school.  I don’t see a bunch of grown men, I see a bunch of children, some in the bodies of man, but nearly all with the mindset, mentality of a teenager.  The lack of responsibility, the nonchalance, the disrespect, the bitterness, the rebellion…and I’m ashamed that I ever behaved like that if I did.  (I’m sure I did at one point.)  Also, I’m ashamed for them that they don’t see the error in their ways, that they have children and wives who will never be able to depend on them because they have selfishly held on to their adolescence, living in their second childhood.

Oh, I’m still silly when there’s time for it, and I’ve retained some of my child heart, but my mind is that of a man and my soul…I’ve got an old soul.  I’m not ashamed of me though.  With each passing day, I’m more confident and in touch with self.  But you are aware that this is all because you watched the transformation, nurtured it.

So here I am, growing like a wildflower, stretching upwards, always facing the sun, beaming.  Thank you.  Rain won’t deter me, only make me grow more.  I can see blessings in all things, especially the love that you give without fail.

Love,

Essay - Look Back 

to See Where You’re Going

Suddenly, this morning, I’ve come to the realization that as a society, as a country, as a people, we spend far too much time projection and not nearly enough time reflecting.  Seriously, we spend so much time plotting, planning, scheming, dreaming, “ifing”, wishing and tripping on what’ to come, what happens next, what the future holds…  But what about the past?  Your journey?  Isn’t that how you got to where you are right this moment?

Ah, and this is why I’m able to grow at such a rapid rate, because I’ve learned to go back into the past.  Yeah, I guess you could say that I’m a time traveler of sorts.  I find myself delving into the “what was” remembering reactions, replaying conversations, analyzing dialogue, expressions, pondering what might have been done or said to improve each situation and/or interaction.  Some people accuse me of “thinking too much.”  Hmmm…I won’t say that I cannot think of one span of time or period in my life where I stopped thinking.  I’m not even sure that’s possible.  Is it?  Does the mind every really rest?  Even when I’ve done something utterly stupid, I still thought about it.

Picking apart and dissecting the past, the “what was,” allows me to better control the future, the “what will be.”  No it’s not an absolute science, but in my experience, it’s accurate enough to make a positive difference.  Feel free to read The 48 Laws of Power, the art of War, the Art of Seduction or whatever “self-help” books written by someone make rich off of your desperation who hasn’t lived your life or traveled your journey.  In the end, the fact still remains that experience is the best teacher.  Our experience molds us.  If we learn from our past, we tend not to make the same mistakes in the future.  Yup, that simple.

And so I place my past under the mind’s microscope and examine each slid at length.  Sometimes what I find is mundane yet useful.  Sometimes what I find is quite intriguing because when caught up in the moment, you don’t always see things as clearly as you do in reviews.  Why do you think sports organizations spend so much money and time analyzing film from past games, universities and institutions spend so much money and time studying behavioral patterns, and how do you explain our fascination with realty TV?

Hindsight is indeed 20/20, hence the saying, “If I only knew then what I know now!”  So spend a little more time thinking about the past, whether it was five years ago, five days ago, or five minutes ago and better understand what you should do in the future.  Learn yourself.  No one is responsible for your happiness but you.  The keys to becoming the person you desire in the future lie in the past.  Reflect.  What you see may astonish you.

Jason anticipates talking on the phone

August 30, 2011  6:18 am

On my way out the door (bars) and off to work this morning, but I needed to get at least a short note to you.

There’s so much I want to say but so little time. Thank you for your love and for being there for me, wherever, whyever! You can’t know how much I appreciate you!

I got the fantasy info as well as the logos. Thank you. You do know me well. Our draft is this weekend and I’ll be more than ready. My Uncle sent me three fantasy football magazines.

I was waiting to hear from you so I’d know how to proceed on the visitation thing, but you are steps ahead of me. I’m going to submit the info today. Without you on my approved visitation, I can’t call. By the time you receive this letter, you should be on my list, however, I don’t know what you have to do from that point. I tried to call when I got your letter, but the call won’t go through until you’re on my approved calling list. Still, I’m so excited to talk to you!

Well, gotta roll out. Still much to catch up on. Your thoughts are always with me and I love you dearly!

Love,

 

September 5, 2011

Hey Dear Lady! Yes, I am in a pleasant mood. It’s not a million degrees, I can lay down without sweating, I’m full of beef fajitas, and football is just days away! True, I’m still in prison, but that can’t be helped.

How are you? So sorry about my sporadic writing this summer. I promise you, the heat was just unbearable. Now (hopefully it doesn’t get hot again!) I can get back to my routine of writing and sharing.

Tried to call you a few times but apparently they’ve not put you on my approved calling list. I did get you and Uncle Joe on my contact visitation list and since y’all are immediate family (Aunt and Uncle) if you were to ever come see me, it would be contact. However, I don’t know what else I can do on my end to get you registered. I guess it just takes a few days.

What a long three-day weekend! Whew! Saturday was my fantasy football leagues’ draft. Wow! It was exciting, but I have worked my butt off! It paid off, though. My thorough research kept me calm during the draft and I ended up with the best picks. Fantasy football is fun no matter what, but it’s more fun when you’re winning. I plan to do a lot of winning this year.

I got: QB) Matt Shaub, HOU; Ryan Fitzpatrick, BUF  RB) Arian Foster, HOU; LeSean McCoy, PHI; Rashad Jennings, JAX; Daniel Thomas, MIA; Bernie    Wells, ARI; Anthony Dixon, SF WR) Vincent Jackson, SD; Dez Bryant, DAL; Dwayne Bone, KC; Jordy Nelson, GB; Johnny Knox, CHI; Titus Young, DET; Torrey Smith, BAL TE) Jermichael Finly, GB; Jimmy Graham, NC  K) Neil Rackers, HOU Def/Sp)  San Diego, Oakland

Yes, I did very, very well! I know, no Broncos, but I’m afraid of the quarterback situation over there. Tebow has heart, but he’s not a quarterback. More like a fullback.

Ha! Finally, it’s in the mid nineties and it feels like heaven. This morning I cut my fan off. Too bad the hurricane is bringing us this pleasant weather.

Glad people like the book. I just wish people would buy it.

Carinos Italian Restaurant sounds awesome! Mmm, I can only imagine, but I’ll have quite a spread this Sunday. I’m looking forward to it. Nachos, enchiladas, stuffed peppers, chocolate cake and strawberry cheesecake. No weed, no alcohol, despite the many offers, just food and football!!!

Ahh, my “father.” Can you believe after I was “nice” and held my tongue against my true feelings, he refused to write back? Yeah, this next letter will be all I’ve stored up all my life, and it won’t be pleasant. I don’t need him. I tried, he failed and I get to get it off of my chest.

Well, while you can’t send me books, you could donate them to the library, then I’d get my pick of them. My boss is so cool, you wouldn’t believe it.

Mr. Moron… He has struck again. This morning, he dropped a baggie of tobacco on the cell floor. You can guess that I wasn’t pleased about it. That could have gotten me sent to solitary if an officer saw it. But instead of jumping on him, I decided to pay to get him moved. 20 dollars, but so what. I hate him. It’s worth it. This jackass has eaten or smoked all of his food already. We went to commissary Wednesday. We don’t go back for three more weeks! Tuff. I loaned him a bag of coffee and he bought cigarettes, so he can’t get a crumb from me! Left pencil pieces all over the floor, too. Idiot. He hasn’t bathed in days. He gets up, wets his mildewed cloth, wipes my hand soap on it and rubs his arms, chest, then reaches in his boxes, wipes his crotch, then wipes his face. Eweeee! Puts on deodorant, not antiperspirant, hair gel, and that’s it. His sheets are brown and when I tell him he needs to bathe after being in the dayroom all day, he says, “I haven’t done anything to get dirty.” Yeah, because 108 degrees isn’t enough to get you dirty. Anyhow, he’ll soon be an unpleasant memory.

Actually, the library has some of Wilbur Smith’s books, but not the ones I need to read next. You know I’ll be grateful for anything you send. Books are my great escape! Right now I’m reading Monster by Frank Ferretti. It’s good and scary so far!

The librarian is waiting to get my book approved through Huntsville before she orders it. The mail tramps stole the other copy.

Well, better get this in the wind. How was your Labor Day? I know I’m forgetting to ask you something, but maybe in a few days I’ll be able to ask by phone. Who knows how things will work in the T.D.C.J.

Love,

BLOG Revelations

Revelations.

No, not in the biblical sense, but as is directly applied to life.  Merriam Webster’s Dictionary defines it as: 1) an act of revealing, 2) something revealed especially an enlightening or astonishing disclosure.  Yes.  Enlightening.

It seems to me that every day of my life brings about revelations, some grander than others.  Some evasively slip past me, only to be captured in hindsight, but I can see them and they have changed my life dramatically.

This was not always the case.  Even a few years back, I wondered through life in such a drug induced stupor, trying so hard to escape reality behind a two or three hour mask that did not in fact, hide me from my problems, but hide my blessings from my very own eyes.  Having come out of that cloud is probably … definitely the turning point in my life.

Almost immediately, a conversation took on a whole new meaning.  It was like I’d been looking into a shallow pool, waded out further and into deeper waters where there were infinite mysteries, things to see, touch, learn, accept.  Things that once brought me borrowed peace disgusted me and things that used to anger me made me smile wryly.  Things that I saw as lame, because the things that I embraced as I pushed away the streets, recklessness and destructive pride, things that I once cherished, once thrived upon.

For about four years, this prison sentence, this prison, these people, everything, it all infuriated me, making me bitter, resentful.  But when I accepted that my impending misery was the result of my own foolishness, a burden lifted from my shoulders and much of the hatred evaporated, leaving me free to move forward instead of wallowing in my own self-pity.

Once my mom told me that she was glad that I was locked up and that sent me into a rage.  My ex-wife told me the same thing and I couldn’t understand how they could be so cruel.  It was years later that I was enlightened to what they meant.  And do to that revelation, I agree.  I’m not thrilled to be in prison, not at all.  However, the alternatives were few and grim.  To continue on the course that I was on, I’d be in the ground rotting or doing life without parole somewhere, hopeless.

So, yes, in essence, prison saved my life.  What a revelation!  Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to look up.  My self-inflicted wounds, struggles, trials and tribulations have made me a complete man.  A few years ago, I was only a boy.

Not only have I been given a second change, I’ve acquired a new lease on life, a focus and determination unrivaled by any other force in my life outside of God.  I’m away from my kids, but I have a chance to be in their lives whereas I could have been just a memory and a headstone.  I’m not simply alive, I’m building the foundation to live.  Trust me, I know the difference between surviving and living.  Jason is going to live.

Every time I don’t react with hostility and violence to or in an unfavorable situation, every time I take the high road, every time I smile in the face of despair, I conquer the act of merely surviving.  Instead of stressing, I count my blessings then look to infect as many people as I can, to encourage, to guide, to aid.  To touch one person in a positive way won’t quench my need.  I want to touch the multitudes.  Perhaps I can reach some kids, teenagers, adults who think themselves lost.  Maybe by seeing my scars, they’ll understand that the fire is hot without sticking their own hand into it.  Revelations, no?