Jason is in a reflective mood

November 6, 2011

Dear Jan,

Whew! If I could just slowdown time for a moment…well…nah…better not do that. Gotta be careful what I wish for. Slowing down time in prison isn’t such a great idea.

Great to talk to you and Joe! You guys are really family! I look forward to the warm and welcoming voice. You are the best. Since you’ve come into and stayed in my life, I’ve become a lot less cynical. I almost expect good in people, at least I look for it. Ah, the power of love.

How crazy is it that now, instead of looking for drugs to calm my nerves, I reach for a hot cup of tea. I feel so civilized. Actually, my mom would give me tea before bed. Bigelow offered so many flavors that I actually looked forward to my bedtime mug of tea.

I know I said I’d get a blog to you, but I ended up getting a visit from my uncle and I don’t want to visit that place I need to go to write that one. Surely you understand the emotional investment I put into my writing. I can’t go to a bitter or dark place half-heartedly. I become that mood.

Needless to say that the visit was good. He was so tired, I felt bad that he’d taken time to come see me instead of resting. I was touched, though, and told him so. I mean, he has his own kids and has been more of a father to me that anyone ever has. Hell, Joe too. Amazing thing…compassion.

You are so busy! It pays the bills, though, and you seem to enjoy rising to the occasion.

What you said to me a few weekends back has stuck in my head and my heart. Admitting that I need someone used to be an impossible task for me, yet now I do it without shame. Glad that I can fill the void and blessed that you kindly fill mine. True, I long to thrive in society on my own two feet, but love is something that we all need. Sometimes life moves so fast that we forget to express ourselves sincerely. It’s good to be able to reciprocate some of all the goodness you give.

Everyday shows me that we are mirrors. At work, I reflect the attitude in front of me. You’d be amazed at how it gets my point across. I’ll be short and curt with people who are curt with me and polite to the person right next to them.

Anyhow, not trying to blab on about me right now. I’m in more of a reflective mood. You know that when the dam burst though…

Have you ever thought of writing a book? Just curious. I think you’d write the perfect children’s books. You have that “motherly” quality that can’t be taught. You are a natural nurturer.

Animals! I love animals! My problem is that I want to know so much about them once interested. Whenever I get pictures of wildlife from you guys, my mind races, I “picture” myself there, smell the smells, and breathe the air.

Speaking of animals, I just fed my spider a juicy beetle!

Well, now I’m rambling. I’ll get some rest and prepare for this long week ahead of me. The Unit is being audited by its parent agency and it’s going to be madness. However, I will, no doubt, find the mood I need to write that blog. This place won’t allow for prolonged joy or even peace of mind.

 Good thing I can count on your hugs by the bundle on a regular basis!

Love,

Woe! Two days later and I’m cleaning up, I find your letter that I thought I’d mailed. Sorry. Guess I’m moving way too fast. On my way out in the morning, I’ll drop this for sure.

BLOG -  Love or Nothing

She hated me…and I thought that she loved me.  How could I not see that she hated me?  The abuse, the lack of affection, the distance…it definitely was not love.  Perhaps once upon a time it was, but in the end there was nothing there but pure hatred.

The strength of that vile emotion would still hurt to this day if I were still able to feel anything for her.  Maybe I hate her too?  But my hatred is not a violent, ugly, thrashing thing, it’s tamer, more subtle, probably not hate at all but numbness.  Yes, that’s what it is.  I’m not capable of hatred, no one can ever have that sort of power over me again in either direction, love or hate.

It’s also possible that some people cannot reciprocate kindness and tenderness…they need, thrive, feed off of neglect, disrespect and abuse.  Maybe she would have continued to love me if I beat her, kicks and punches instead of hugs and kisses?  I’ll never know.  Those are needs beyond my scope.  She needed to fight to love, all I needed was love.

So how can two people so wrong for each other seem (at one point in time) so right?  Together, in lust disguised as love, we created two gorgeous, intelligent children and a fair share of pleasant memories.  But, the destruction of the storm is what I remember most, what makes me weary of other women, suspicious of hidden hatred, malicious intent, evil in the eyes and venom in her words.  Although I know that I’ve never been the type to be alone, I fear a serious relationship with a woman who may turn out to be crazy and ignorant, and marriage is completely out of the question.  So am I destined for loneliness, or is there a woman out there who appreciates kindness and sincerity?  One can only hope.  I’ll flee from any abuse without understanding or regret, yet I will run to compassion and respect.  What I will not do is ever mistake hatred for love.  Miserable people deserve each other, I won’t be misery’s companion.  Not again.  Never again.  Love or nothing, and right now, nothing doesn’t sound so bad.