Peace of Mind through a Psalm

February 20, 2012

My dear lady, you are so overdue for me to pour my heart out.  Yes, the shoulder still aches some but it’s much better.  I should have never tried that stupid exercise.

The weather is still mild, chilly but comfortable enough when I crawl under my blanket.  I’m not complaining.  I’d much rather this slight chill than the sweltering heat of the summer.  Unfortunately, the next major lockdown should fall right in the hottest part of the summer.  I’ll endure that when I get to it.

So far we’ve been locked down since the seventh and we probably won’t be done until the fifth of March.  Yeah, because of the warden, it takes him a month to do what should only take two weeks, then they don’t find half of the phones or knives.  It’s just going through the motions.  They already shook down my cellblock though, so I’m alright.  Still have food, paper, books…

My biggest pain has been this Viking that I live with.  This dude hasn’t brushed his teeth once.  Not one time.  But it’s not his breath that bothers me.  His body odor is….unreal!  He sleeps wrapped up in his coat.  It’s not that cold.  He sweats for 9-10 hours, sometimes more, then pops from under the coat smelling like spoiled cabbage and onions!  Not cool.  I’ve been tempted to take that coat and throw it out of the cell.  Been biting my tongue.  I want to ask how he does not smell that rank, putrid funk.  Seriously, it’s got a four foot reach,  Don’t laugh, it’s bad.  You know how wild animals smell?  That musty, wild, overbearing stink used to warn other animals of their presence?  It’s like that.  He’s just a little boy, though.  Lord bless him.  Like we’ve become accustomed to saying, prison is not supposed to be pleasant, all the more reason to get out and stay out.  I’ll leave this to the so called, gangsters and funky dogs. 

The writing is coming along.  Not forcing it, just letting it flow.  Really, it’s good that you are so busy.  Also been working on recipes.  Wish that I was where I could try them and tweak them to perfection.  How does a marinated grilled chicken breast, stuffed mushrooms, red onions, Monterey pepper jack and Colby cheese, lettuce, beefy tomatoes, thin sliced jalapenos, sliced avocados, two crispy slab slices of bacon, chipotle salad dressing, honey mustard on grilled sourdough (with a teaspoon of the chicken breast drippings spooned on the breast before closing the sandwich) sound?  With a serving of seasoned yam fries and pickles on the side.

Honest to God, I cannot wait to get out of here, run the sun up, shower, work all day, come home, experiment, test my recipes, photograph the finished products, then feed my neighbors in exchange for feedback.  I hate being out of practice, out of the industry.

More and more, I’m considering making the move the Hughes unit to go through the college culinary arts course.  Of course, I love my job now and to leave would break the old lady’s heart.  I’m tired of moving and readjusting, starting over.  I’ve earned a reputation as a gentleman here.  Then more than likely, after I complete the course, Beto will want me back to cook for them and I do not work for slackers.  This food service department sucks.  I want free reign and nurturing of my talents.  We’ll see.

I should have started writing earlier.  I had every intention of writing you one of those good, long cards on the table letters but I’ve got to sort of rush this on so I can make sure that it goes out in the morning.  These officers don’t do much and they don’t want to do the little that they do.

Mainly, what I wanted to say was that I love you!  Sometimes, I may not say it enough, but I need you to know that you’ve touched my life in so many ways and all of them positive.  It’s hard to put into words.  You’ve filled so many voids in my life, played a major part in bringing me out of the doldrums that I was lingering in.  There truly must have been an angel by my side…I can never than you enough!

I was reading A Sparrow Falls and I stopped to think about all you’ve done for me.  You are my angel.

Also, I know you are swamped, but I want you honest opinion, do you think When Hell Freezes Over is good enough to continue and follow through?  I have other stories, but I’m torn between finishing something and starting something fresh.

Everybody keep telling me to push the first one, but I still feel that it would need too much editing, too much cutting to make it respectable.  It’s good….it’s just too raw and I don’t want to go that route, not when I can do better.

You opinion means a lot to me.  And it’s not that I’m in a rush to get something printed, but I feel the need to complete something.  I’m sitting on several short stories and about twelve started novels.

The letters to my children continue to be positive.  Some days it’s just too hard to write them, but other days I just open up and go.

The meal you described sounded mouthwatering! Mmmm!  One day.  I’ll have to send you this recipe I cut out of a magazine for a pork roast.  It looks delicious.

Africa is in your sights, huh?  So cool!  I know you guys are going to have a blast.

Speaking of Africa, it seems that each Wilbur Smith book gets better.  I really liked this last one, but I was so glad when Dirk Courtney died, although the deaths of Ruth and Sean hurt me deeply.  I’m preparing to start Birds of Prey, perhaps tonight.

Well you know you are in my heart, in my thoughts and in my prayers!

Love,

ESSAY - Understanding Autumn

Let it go.

No, really, let it go…because I have.

And what good does it do for us to hold on to our mistakes once we’ve learned our lessons?  Understand.  Understand that I indeed tortured myself, clutching the profound stupdity of my errors to my soul with the white, bloodless fingers of my regret, replaying every minute of detail of the “what was” and grievously mourning for the loss of “what could have been.”

And then…and then…when at last it seemed I’d reached my end, a message from God sought me out through a friend.  Psalm 37, verses 8-9 said that “anger and worry” were a waste of my time.  So I gave Him my problems and I gained peace of mind, of the kind that’s so cleansing that I laughed out loud and clear, didn’t care who was listening, didn’t care who may hear.  With a smile ear to ear, I knew that I had grown, and in order to grow, one must set free their wrongs, shed them like golden-brown leaves from a tree, as the seasons bring change…autumn lives within me.

You would have to be me…to see what I saw…to feel what I feel, unblemished and raw.  For love is not meant to keep secret and hidden, it too should be freed and uncovered, unbidden.  So I did what my heart said, for my heart knows no rules, to put boundaries on love is the doctrine of fools.

If love is a crime, forever I’ll be imprisoned, criticized for compassion, ridiculed for my vision.  Don’t you see the division of the body and soul, how we’re taught to love less and less as we grow old?  Like the first bitter winds of winter…hate dwells where once was…and cold fills the void in men who’ve long lost love.

I refuse.

Yes I choose to love you, and love him, and love her and love me, and love they and love them!  I will swim on love’s currents in the ebb and the flow, and soar past the boundaries that my heart doesn’t know.  I’ll live as God sees fit, not by man’s hindered plans.  And if ever you’ve loved me, surely you understand?

Understand that I’ve changed, and for the better, because where there once was so much hatred, now there is only love.  Where there once was resentment, now there is contentment.  Where there for too long were problems, now there is potential.

Do not hold it against me that I still “feel” even in this place of bricks and stone, iron and rust, disgust and mistrust.  Instead, be joyful that I still “feel” in spite of it.

ONE

 

Jason write a long letter

November 15, 2011

The days are too long, the nights aren’t long enough. Yeah, I’m fine, mainly because I’ m better equipped, better adjusted and because I have to be.

You have so much going on, and interesting things, too! I was very excited to see the BookCrafters website (http://self-publish-your-book.com). It looks very good and professional! It seems like you guys never rest. Y’all are always doing this or that, traveling here or there, helping he or she (or me), learning, growing, and giving.

Again, I have to say how much I enjoy and look forward to our conversations. I know it seems to have cut my letter writing. It’s not that though, my days are just so full. I hope that the few blogs are able to capture some of my expressions. Having to deal with such a wide range of emotions and feeling can be taxing, but I know that every circumstance I battle through makes me stronger and better prepared.

Not much going on that I have not mentioned on the phone. The past few days, some dudes have gotten “violated” by their homeboys (translation: Beat the hell out of by two or more members of your gang for committing some offense). It’s becoming an everyday thing. So glad I don’t answer to anybody.

Well, I just wanted to get a few lines your way along with these blogs. Had intended to write a good long letter but my celly needed to vent so I talked to him for what turned into two hours.

How bout them Broncos?!?

Love,

December 5, 2011

Wow, believe me when I say that time is flying, that I’m not exaggerating! Fast time is good, but I do not like writing on the run. Soooo, I decided that I must dedicate some special time to my special people. If I’m tired in the morning, oh well. Better to be a little tired and a lot loved than to be rested and to neglect those who do so much for you.

Hope the turkey day went by well and you guys were well fed and stuffed. I wanted to send my card but I’d already sent it to you once, plus, my hand turkey hasn’t improved in a quarter of a century.

The story you sent me about that guy who’d been imprisoned was moving. I too, see myself succeeding now that my life has turned for the better. Not being afraid or paranoid about slipping through the cracks and getting over on the legal system makes tons of difference. I think that once people are able to be honest with themselves, it changes the quality of their lives. Living a lie is so stressful and problematic that it never ends up being worth it. I can remember being caught up with 3 or 4 different females, telling them all that I loved them, scrambling to cover my tracks and keep up with my lies. A horrible existence.

Yeah, my uncle has been great, especially when I remember our true relation! He was here this past Sunday. That he finds time for me between flying all over the country is monumental to me. Don’t think I’ve ever loved, I mean truly loved so many people before in my life. When we have a visit, they send a written pass to our cell block so we can get dressed or whatever, then go out to the visitation area, strip, dress, and visit for the fastest two hours ever.

You make light of all the work that you guys do! You two stay busy. But that’s good. I completely understand. It’s kinda cool to look forward to the next day, anticipating the challenge of the tasks ahead of you. I do that with my free job now.

Vegetarians should eat turkey too.

I received the card! That was really cool! I get chills every time I see that book cover!

Speaking of books, the urge to write has been particularly strong lately even had new book ideas in my head. I’ve got a feeling that I’m going to go into one of those zones here real soon. Hopefully.

See, that’s the type of stuff I look forward to, donating to the ARC. I just want to live, give, and love. The rest will come.

As always, Joe’s blogs were very interesting and entertaining! I’ve only seen elephants in the Houston Zoo and from a distance. No, wait, I don’t remember any elephants at the zoo. That was the circus. I couldn’t imagine being charged by a creature of that magnitude. From the videos that I’ve seen about rogue elephants, I know that an angry elephant is nothing to play with. Is it really true that they never forget anything?

I do apologize for being so down lately. My mother’s limited role in my life has weighed heavily on my shoulders and as much as I want to just get over it, that’s impossible. Some hurt can’t be ignored.

Anyhow, it’s important that you know that you are appreciated. You have been a major contributor to my positive outlook and my ability to endure through tough situations. Man, writing myself crazy! Better not get carried away. Just wanted to get a real letter off to you.

I thank God and pray for you every night, because I feel that God assigns angels here on Earth to protect and look out for certain people. And I know that rare kind hearts like yours are blessings.

Love,

Jason is in a reflective mood

November 6, 2011

Dear Jan,

Whew! If I could just slowdown time for a moment…well…nah…better not do that. Gotta be careful what I wish for. Slowing down time in prison isn’t such a great idea.

Great to talk to you and Joe! You guys are really family! I look forward to the warm and welcoming voice. You are the best. Since you’ve come into and stayed in my life, I’ve become a lot less cynical. I almost expect good in people, at least I look for it. Ah, the power of love.

How crazy is it that now, instead of looking for drugs to calm my nerves, I reach for a hot cup of tea. I feel so civilized. Actually, my mom would give me tea before bed. Bigelow offered so many flavors that I actually looked forward to my bedtime mug of tea.

I know I said I’d get a blog to you, but I ended up getting a visit from my uncle and I don’t want to visit that place I need to go to write that one. Surely you understand the emotional investment I put into my writing. I can’t go to a bitter or dark place half-heartedly. I become that mood.

Needless to say that the visit was good. He was so tired, I felt bad that he’d taken time to come see me instead of resting. I was touched, though, and told him so. I mean, he has his own kids and has been more of a father to me that anyone ever has. Hell, Joe too. Amazing thing…compassion.

You are so busy! It pays the bills, though, and you seem to enjoy rising to the occasion.

What you said to me a few weekends back has stuck in my head and my heart. Admitting that I need someone used to be an impossible task for me, yet now I do it without shame. Glad that I can fill the void and blessed that you kindly fill mine. True, I long to thrive in society on my own two feet, but love is something that we all need. Sometimes life moves so fast that we forget to express ourselves sincerely. It’s good to be able to reciprocate some of all the goodness you give.

Everyday shows me that we are mirrors. At work, I reflect the attitude in front of me. You’d be amazed at how it gets my point across. I’ll be short and curt with people who are curt with me and polite to the person right next to them.

Anyhow, not trying to blab on about me right now. I’m in more of a reflective mood. You know that when the dam burst though…

Have you ever thought of writing a book? Just curious. I think you’d write the perfect children’s books. You have that “motherly” quality that can’t be taught. You are a natural nurturer.

Animals! I love animals! My problem is that I want to know so much about them once interested. Whenever I get pictures of wildlife from you guys, my mind races, I “picture” myself there, smell the smells, and breathe the air.

Speaking of animals, I just fed my spider a juicy beetle!

Well, now I’m rambling. I’ll get some rest and prepare for this long week ahead of me. The Unit is being audited by its parent agency and it’s going to be madness. However, I will, no doubt, find the mood I need to write that blog. This place won’t allow for prolonged joy or even peace of mind.

 Good thing I can count on your hugs by the bundle on a regular basis!

Love,

Woe! Two days later and I’m cleaning up, I find your letter that I thought I’d mailed. Sorry. Guess I’m moving way too fast. On my way out in the morning, I’ll drop this for sure.

BLOG -  Love or Nothing

She hated me…and I thought that she loved me.  How could I not see that she hated me?  The abuse, the lack of affection, the distance…it definitely was not love.  Perhaps once upon a time it was, but in the end there was nothing there but pure hatred.

The strength of that vile emotion would still hurt to this day if I were still able to feel anything for her.  Maybe I hate her too?  But my hatred is not a violent, ugly, thrashing thing, it’s tamer, more subtle, probably not hate at all but numbness.  Yes, that’s what it is.  I’m not capable of hatred, no one can ever have that sort of power over me again in either direction, love or hate.

It’s also possible that some people cannot reciprocate kindness and tenderness…they need, thrive, feed off of neglect, disrespect and abuse.  Maybe she would have continued to love me if I beat her, kicks and punches instead of hugs and kisses?  I’ll never know.  Those are needs beyond my scope.  She needed to fight to love, all I needed was love.

So how can two people so wrong for each other seem (at one point in time) so right?  Together, in lust disguised as love, we created two gorgeous, intelligent children and a fair share of pleasant memories.  But, the destruction of the storm is what I remember most, what makes me weary of other women, suspicious of hidden hatred, malicious intent, evil in the eyes and venom in her words.  Although I know that I’ve never been the type to be alone, I fear a serious relationship with a woman who may turn out to be crazy and ignorant, and marriage is completely out of the question.  So am I destined for loneliness, or is there a woman out there who appreciates kindness and sincerity?  One can only hope.  I’ll flee from any abuse without understanding or regret, yet I will run to compassion and respect.  What I will not do is ever mistake hatred for love.  Miserable people deserve each other, I won’t be misery’s companion.  Not again.  Never again.  Love or nothing, and right now, nothing doesn’t sound so bad.

The joy of a phone call

October 10, 2011 9:12 pm

Dear Jan,

Well, I’m really lost for words this time…and I’m not. Because there’s so much to say and I don’t know how to start.

First off, it was beautiful to hear your voice! Can’t say why, but you sounded so different from what I anticipated. Your voice in my imagination was not as high, crisp, or refreshing. I smiled like a kitten with a bowl of milk for the entire 15 minutes of our call, and then for hours afterwards.

You guys make me feel so special, and hearing the love and excitement is someone’s voice was thrilling. I wanted to call right back and perhaps try to be more calm and composed, but I decided to ride the high and look forward to the next one!

Tell Joe that I didn’t mean to annoy him. I have so many questions but at the time, it was the freshest thing on my mind that I could recall through my excitement, And I do understand that he didn’t study spiders. I just thought that the topic might interest him and he’d want to know for himself as well as for me. It never crossed my mind that people probably ask him random crazy questions all the time. I do apologize.

He sounded pretty much like I’d expected.

That’s the first time I’ve used that phone down here. Crazy how much you learn to appreciate things you once took for granted.

Your poor Broncos. Maybe if they’d started Tebow… I don’t think he’s a good quarterback, but he finds a way to make the plays. He’s exciting to watch. My Texans gave up, but my Saints are playing very well.

Yeah, the “celly dilemma.” I really wish they’d match IQ’s when they pair people. I have to deal with dumb people all the time and it gets frustrating.

However, I develop patience and tolerance with each passing day, each interaction…each time I rise above the normal expectations, I count that as a victory. I win.

I’m really very excited, not only about talking to you but also about the progress of the book! I meant what I said. You guys have invested so much time and work into the book, I want it to do well so that you reap the benefits.

Much to say, much to think, much to do…a day at a time. I’m going to listen to a bit more of this Lions-Bears game and sleep for tomorrow. Long day today, trying to go to commissary. Finally made it, now it’s time to get back in the groove.

In my thoughts, in my prayers, in my heart!!!

Love,

P.S. Did I ask if you’d seen that Google Chrome commercial? Cool stuff!

BLOG Art Lessons

I’ve got my dilemmas, predicaments and misery is a companion I’d love to choke the life out of.  My ex-wife left me high and dry when I was at my lowest and has forced me out of my kids’ lives.  I know that my momma loves me … I think, but she has the strangest way of showing it.  I live amongst murderers, rapists and child molesters.  What I call home is a cement and iron box about six feet wide and nine feet deep, the toilet is two feet away from the head of my bed … er … um …bunk.  And I don’t see the parole board until 2025.

Yeah, it’s that bad.  But is it really?  I mean, don’t get it twisted.  I go through it, I’ve got my blues.  The same imagination that helped to usher me through an eventful yet happy childhood takes me places that I’d really rather not go.  For me, it’s easy to wonder if the world will be less like the place I left and more like Minority Report upon my release.  Will cars fly, will you be arrested for thinking a crime?  Will paper money be obsolete?  “Yes, can I get a #4, super-size the fries and sprite?”  And the robot at the window scans my retina.

If that’s the world I have to look forward to, so be it.  I’ll adjust and adapt.  It’s better than the simply stupid world that I live in now.  But that is not my biggest fear.  Everything that I’ve gone through, I’ve dealt with.  And everything that I’m going through, I’m dealing with.  Experience leads me to believe that everything that I will go through, I’ll deal with.  Do I feel like I have or can do it all by myself?  No.  I realize that my strength to endure has come from loved ones and God.  I’m no fool.  Foolish maybe, but well aware that the man that walks all alone won’t walk for long.  With that knowledge, I stand taller, smile when others sulk, and pray every day. 

When my life was all about me, I was miserable.  If my heart was here with me, it would probably wither, blacken and stop.  However, my heart is in Georgia, Austin, Colorado, Indiana, Houston, New Orleans, Shreveport, Fort Worth and in the heavens.  From all of those places I receive nurturing through love and kindness that my once selfish heart rejected.  For me, love equates strength.  I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been.

Iron bars, flying cars, life on Mars … none of that’s in my control.  What is in my control is my perspective and my peace.  There are the ups and downs.  Any journey has its share of turmoil but instead of letting the land conquer me, I use it for conditioning.

I’m far from perfect, but striving.  Even still, I have my moments of perfections, when a joy so radiant and consuming devours me, washes away my doubts, cleanses my senses, sharpens my outlook and warms my heart.  It is at once humbling and refreshing.  I’m reminded that I’m only a man but clearly aware of my purpose.  My purpose.  At 31, I feel blessed to be aware of what I’m meant to do, what’s expected of me and I’m ready.

 A psychic I’m not.  What the future holds, I can only imagine.  With my heart in the right place … places.  I only know I’ll be happy.  And isn’t it happiness that we all seek, the ultimate pursuit?

Prison, paternity suits, parental paradox, perverts, predators and past passions perished, I prevail, for my peace is priceless.  Perhaps worth pondering?   Predictions, prescriptions, presumptions, prosecution plus the possibility of prosperity persuade the petty with pretty promises.  In the end though, that which I hold most precious is hope.  Hope provides the power to keep on pushing.

Life is only as good or bad as we see it.  When you paint your picture, trying using the colors of love.