Jason has hopes for the New Year 2012

January 3, 2012

Well, here I am again.  But this time I’m all the way positive, my mind is clear and I’m ready for the journey.  Yeah, the stuff I’d written before was … ah… kinda scattered and dark.  So I trashed it.  Yep.  Felt good too.  I knew you’d understand, I only want to embrace the good.  Oh I know that bad is a part of life and I’ll express that too, but those last pages of writing were not me.

So glad you enjoy your holidays!  Happy New Year!  I see you never stopped working.  I’m going to follow your lead and work my tail off this year.  I put in work in 2011, but I could and will give more.

Already I’ve been delinquent on the workouts, on my reading and prayer.  And it’s crazy how the milestones seem to bring about another level of noticeable clarity and maturity.  With each passing day I see myself more separate from the rest of these people.  I look at the television less and watch the people.  No one it at a standstill, they’re either progressing or regressing.  Gotta get better, anything else is madness!

What’s it been for us, three years now?  Doesn’t seem that long and what a difference you and Joe have made in my life.  Positive people planting positive seeds.  Hope you’re proud of your fruit.

It’s really quite a story, especially when you look at the friendship that developed, although you busy are more parents than friends, but still friends.  You know what I mean. 

By now, we know that I’m super extra sensitive when it comes to people I love.  And I don’t remember exactly how the exchange went, but I only implied sending the letters for Letters to My children book to my aunts because 1) they suggested that, 2) I don’t want to assume that I can just cook up some book idea and that I’m special, I’m just considering all the work ya’ll put into the first book and I just don’t want to be imposing.  My intention was not to offend or give the impression that I wish to go through someone else.  It’s just me being me.  I must be considerate of what you guys have going on.  After all, I would not be where I am now (in my writing) if not for you.  It’s important that you understand that you are appreciated and that I do not nor would I ever take you for granted.

Can you sense my excitement though?  It’s bigger than the book idea, which was excellent (I’ll have to thank my aunts).  It’s that I’ve been holding in so much concerning my kids and the idea of getting it all out, hoping that it falls into their hands and get a chance to know me and my truths…it’s very exciting.

Then, I’m sure that I’m going to go ahead and follow through on one of the novels.  No excuses this year.  I’m almost looking forward to this lockdown which should be any day now.  If I don’t call this weekend, you know we are locked down.  It’s rumored to only be two weeks instead of 30 days, but I’ll have to see that to believe it.

Anyhow, I wrote the first letter on New Year’s Eve.  That’s how I wanted to bring in my new year, reaching out to my babies.  It’s going to be cleansing and therapeutic.  I’m going to be able to say things to them that I can’t say to others and share a part of me that most people never get to see.  As serious as I am, I’m a big kid at heart. 

Well, your Broncos made it in by the skin of their teeth.  Pittsburg is going to be a challenge, but they can be beat.  My poor Texans are going to have to fight for everything, but my Saints should have a cake walk. If they can beat Green Bay, and they can, they’ll win the Super Bowl.

Okay, back to the book (can you tell I’m excited?) I can see the cover and everything!

I know you said that you’re not religious, but do you believe in angels?  Growing up I always imagined guardian angels as like fairy people hovering over us to guard us.  But now I think that people on earth can be guardian angels, servants of God sent into the lives of those in despair to guide them back to hope.  God sent me two of his best!

Ha, look at me going on and on and on!  I’ll wrap it up here and send this out.  Hope you got the card I sent, I forgot to ask on the phone.  Be good and stay warm!

Love,

P.S.  Could you make me another resolution sheet like you did last year?  My 2012 resolutions are included.

2012

Reach out to my kids!

Humble myself!

Be even more productive!

Be more positive!

Be steadfast in my faith!

Be motivated!

Be even more courteous!

Never slack off!

Persevere without and through failure!

Learn from y mistakes as well as the mistakes of others!

Never fail!

Never make mistakes!!!

Essay - ARCHITECTURE

Years ago, I noticed the title of one of Talib Kaels’ CDs “The Beautiful Struggle” and I wondered, what in the hell is so beautiful about it?

Today, I listened as two TDCJ officers talked about fighting to a younger inmate.  They were enthusiastically promoting the use of violence to solve a problem.  Usually I hold my tongue but I chose to step in.  I told them that a “man” fights mentally, that you can’t think of one place in industrialized society where grown men fight outside of the boxing ring.

Both of these men looked at me like I’d just admitted to wearing pink g-string panties.  One is a regular prison guard but the other is a Safe Prisons officer, a Sergeant.  How ironic?  I was the only “man” in the room and looked down on for rejecting ignorance.

The more I thought about it, the more disturbed I became.  How could I be frowned upon by guys who haven’t seen a percentage of the death and pain in the streets that I have?  With all the dirt and blood on my hands, those dudes would dare to look down on me.

In that moment I understood The Beautiful Struggle.  Yes, it is beautiful that a gangster can become a gentle man, that one who has taken so much can learn to give, to live, to promote life.

Their rejection of me caused something in me to wither and die, their judgment murdered a part of me…but from that death, something greater was born.  Enlightenment.  In that tragic moment, the rays of revelation shone upon me.  I realized that the world is composed of people, builders and destroyers.  Those two prison guards are destroyers, looking to further tear down a peo0ple already crippled by negativity, ignorance and self-defeat.  But I am a builder.  It is my calling to construct and reconstruct, to build and stabilize, to fortify, to support, to salvage.  No, we won’t be rebuilt overnight or in a day, and I won’t be able to do it alone, but in time, through hard work, dedication and vision, I know that we can be restored to pride, strength and dignity.

A Beautiful Struggle indeed!  I am down for the cause and up to the challenge.  What about you?  Have you come all this way to demolish or build?

Jason write a long letter

November 15, 2011

The days are too long, the nights aren’t long enough. Yeah, I’m fine, mainly because I’ m better equipped, better adjusted and because I have to be.

You have so much going on, and interesting things, too! I was very excited to see the BookCrafters website (http://self-publish-your-book.com). It looks very good and professional! It seems like you guys never rest. Y’all are always doing this or that, traveling here or there, helping he or she (or me), learning, growing, and giving.

Again, I have to say how much I enjoy and look forward to our conversations. I know it seems to have cut my letter writing. It’s not that though, my days are just so full. I hope that the few blogs are able to capture some of my expressions. Having to deal with such a wide range of emotions and feeling can be taxing, but I know that every circumstance I battle through makes me stronger and better prepared.

Not much going on that I have not mentioned on the phone. The past few days, some dudes have gotten “violated” by their homeboys (translation: Beat the hell out of by two or more members of your gang for committing some offense). It’s becoming an everyday thing. So glad I don’t answer to anybody.

Well, I just wanted to get a few lines your way along with these blogs. Had intended to write a good long letter but my celly needed to vent so I talked to him for what turned into two hours.

How bout them Broncos?!?

Love,

December 5, 2011

Wow, believe me when I say that time is flying, that I’m not exaggerating! Fast time is good, but I do not like writing on the run. Soooo, I decided that I must dedicate some special time to my special people. If I’m tired in the morning, oh well. Better to be a little tired and a lot loved than to be rested and to neglect those who do so much for you.

Hope the turkey day went by well and you guys were well fed and stuffed. I wanted to send my card but I’d already sent it to you once, plus, my hand turkey hasn’t improved in a quarter of a century.

The story you sent me about that guy who’d been imprisoned was moving. I too, see myself succeeding now that my life has turned for the better. Not being afraid or paranoid about slipping through the cracks and getting over on the legal system makes tons of difference. I think that once people are able to be honest with themselves, it changes the quality of their lives. Living a lie is so stressful and problematic that it never ends up being worth it. I can remember being caught up with 3 or 4 different females, telling them all that I loved them, scrambling to cover my tracks and keep up with my lies. A horrible existence.

Yeah, my uncle has been great, especially when I remember our true relation! He was here this past Sunday. That he finds time for me between flying all over the country is monumental to me. Don’t think I’ve ever loved, I mean truly loved so many people before in my life. When we have a visit, they send a written pass to our cell block so we can get dressed or whatever, then go out to the visitation area, strip, dress, and visit for the fastest two hours ever.

You make light of all the work that you guys do! You two stay busy. But that’s good. I completely understand. It’s kinda cool to look forward to the next day, anticipating the challenge of the tasks ahead of you. I do that with my free job now.

Vegetarians should eat turkey too.

I received the card! That was really cool! I get chills every time I see that book cover!

Speaking of books, the urge to write has been particularly strong lately even had new book ideas in my head. I’ve got a feeling that I’m going to go into one of those zones here real soon. Hopefully.

See, that’s the type of stuff I look forward to, donating to the ARC. I just want to live, give, and love. The rest will come.

As always, Joe’s blogs were very interesting and entertaining! I’ve only seen elephants in the Houston Zoo and from a distance. No, wait, I don’t remember any elephants at the zoo. That was the circus. I couldn’t imagine being charged by a creature of that magnitude. From the videos that I’ve seen about rogue elephants, I know that an angry elephant is nothing to play with. Is it really true that they never forget anything?

I do apologize for being so down lately. My mother’s limited role in my life has weighed heavily on my shoulders and as much as I want to just get over it, that’s impossible. Some hurt can’t be ignored.

Anyhow, it’s important that you know that you are appreciated. You have been a major contributor to my positive outlook and my ability to endure through tough situations. Man, writing myself crazy! Better not get carried away. Just wanted to get a real letter off to you.

I thank God and pray for you every night, because I feel that God assigns angels here on Earth to protect and look out for certain people. And I know that rare kind hearts like yours are blessings.

Love,

Still thrilled with a phone conversation

October 15, 2011 8:38 pm

Dear Jan;

Well, it’s always a pleasure to speak to you! You sound so pleasant and enthusiastic! I hate that the phone cut off on us like that, but it did warn us. 15 minutes seems like 5 minutes on that phone.

I thought I’d be okay, but it’s barely 8:30 and I’m already sleepy. Got a lot done today, though. I guess because I roll out of the bed at 5 am doing pushups, when I finally stop moving, my body just shuts down.

Really excited about the book, again! And Joe’s blog was great. I even shared it (as I often do with some of my Wilbur Smith club members). Yeah, there are several dudes who read Wilbur Smith, too. And we can all appreciate Joe’s stories and knowledge. Anything to do with animals captivates me! I can imagine that animal jumping that gate because I’ve seen white tailed deer leap over Mesquite trees and 10 ft gates without much effort. Some dude tried to tell me that it’s impossible, but I know what I saw with my own two eyes.

Pork roast! Ummm! I miss real food! Prison food doesn’t compare.

Speaking of food, what I was saying when the phone cut off, starting in January, TDC is allowing us to receive a $50 package sent from out there, but I don’t know any of the details. If you could, would you please look online and see if there are any specifics on this or if it’s just a rumor? It would be cool if it’s true. That would make such a difference. My uncle already complains all of the time about how he wished he could send me something.

What do you make of Herman Cain? Curious? He’s in my Time magazine, and I’ve been reading a lot about him. Everyone in Texas hates Rick Perry. I don’t know how he slithered back into office. Now he’s running all over the country praying with female Hispanic teenagers…that man has never prayed before in his life. What a jerk.

The Blogs will come. You can trust me. My boss put me in charge of a Unit-wide Poetry Contest this past Friday. Nothing like that to get the creative juices flowing.

Maybe I’ll get some more in before I send this out, but I can’t keep my eyes open for another minute.

Not much left but for a “till I hear from you.” I’m exhausted. Football all day, and I quit early. Jay Cutler is not fun to watch. He cries like a little girl.

I’m off to dream land!

Love,

October 30, 2011

Dear Jan,

Great to speak to you, as always. Just a quick note. Enclosed are the blogs, there will be more. I’ve been suppressing my need to release. It’s good therapy.

Got the Halloween card! Thanks!

Getting ready to get back to basics. Got a full day tomorrow and a three-chapter exam, so I’d better get to sleep.

You wouldn’t believe how cold it is in this cell right now! Burrrr! Gonna bundle up and dream warm dreams.

Love,

Blog   “Excuse me…?”

“Excuse me, Ma’am?” Calm voice softly spoken.

“What?” Quick, snapped, impatient.

This is how conversations begin in my world.  No, that’s not true.  Not conversations, dialogue.  That is the classic blueprint for dialogue in this place.

And it is not always . . . it is rarely easy to be the bigger person, yet it seems that I get plenty of practice.  My dedication to change and righteousness keeps me grounded, smother the smoking embers of anger that burn within.  I realize that I am set apart, different, and more is expected of me.

Oh, I’m human.  My first impulse is to as “What? What? Who the f*** do you think you’re talking to?”  But that is the response of a child.  Sadly enough, that is exactly how I would have responded just a few years ago.  Now, I chuckle, a pity chuckle, either ask my question as politely as possible, or simply walk away.

Perhaps, the perception that every person in prison is a rapist, murderer, child molester or drug dealer has poisoned the minds and rational thinking of people?  Although, in my opinion, if I thought a person capable of such awful crimes, it be wise to not be blatantly disrespectful or maybe I’m crazy.  And they wonder why there are so many staff assaults?  Really?  Yes, I truly do pity those folks who see all people in prison as less than people.  They deny themselves the beauty of seeing something good come out of an awful situation. 

I could quote the Bible, but I won’t.  I could make promises, proclamations and protest…instead I’ll say, I suffer every day.   I’ve swallowed so much pride that my throat is raw.  My dignity must be fought for every single day.  The ignorant and spiteful outnumber the enlightened.  For now, that is my lit in life.  For now.  And because of it all, I will emerge an improved man, sharpened, refined, indestructible.  All must pass through the flames to be tempered.  I shall part from the flames a brilliant and shining thing of beauty.  Even now, I reject the ugly, the blemishes, the imperfections.  God’s tool.  Forged, tried, true.

The joy of a phone call

October 10, 2011 9:12 pm

Dear Jan,

Well, I’m really lost for words this time…and I’m not. Because there’s so much to say and I don’t know how to start.

First off, it was beautiful to hear your voice! Can’t say why, but you sounded so different from what I anticipated. Your voice in my imagination was not as high, crisp, or refreshing. I smiled like a kitten with a bowl of milk for the entire 15 minutes of our call, and then for hours afterwards.

You guys make me feel so special, and hearing the love and excitement is someone’s voice was thrilling. I wanted to call right back and perhaps try to be more calm and composed, but I decided to ride the high and look forward to the next one!

Tell Joe that I didn’t mean to annoy him. I have so many questions but at the time, it was the freshest thing on my mind that I could recall through my excitement, And I do understand that he didn’t study spiders. I just thought that the topic might interest him and he’d want to know for himself as well as for me. It never crossed my mind that people probably ask him random crazy questions all the time. I do apologize.

He sounded pretty much like I’d expected.

That’s the first time I’ve used that phone down here. Crazy how much you learn to appreciate things you once took for granted.

Your poor Broncos. Maybe if they’d started Tebow… I don’t think he’s a good quarterback, but he finds a way to make the plays. He’s exciting to watch. My Texans gave up, but my Saints are playing very well.

Yeah, the “celly dilemma.” I really wish they’d match IQ’s when they pair people. I have to deal with dumb people all the time and it gets frustrating.

However, I develop patience and tolerance with each passing day, each interaction…each time I rise above the normal expectations, I count that as a victory. I win.

I’m really very excited, not only about talking to you but also about the progress of the book! I meant what I said. You guys have invested so much time and work into the book, I want it to do well so that you reap the benefits.

Much to say, much to think, much to do…a day at a time. I’m going to listen to a bit more of this Lions-Bears game and sleep for tomorrow. Long day today, trying to go to commissary. Finally made it, now it’s time to get back in the groove.

In my thoughts, in my prayers, in my heart!!!

Love,

P.S. Did I ask if you’d seen that Google Chrome commercial? Cool stuff!

BLOG Art Lessons

I’ve got my dilemmas, predicaments and misery is a companion I’d love to choke the life out of.  My ex-wife left me high and dry when I was at my lowest and has forced me out of my kids’ lives.  I know that my momma loves me … I think, but she has the strangest way of showing it.  I live amongst murderers, rapists and child molesters.  What I call home is a cement and iron box about six feet wide and nine feet deep, the toilet is two feet away from the head of my bed … er … um …bunk.  And I don’t see the parole board until 2025.

Yeah, it’s that bad.  But is it really?  I mean, don’t get it twisted.  I go through it, I’ve got my blues.  The same imagination that helped to usher me through an eventful yet happy childhood takes me places that I’d really rather not go.  For me, it’s easy to wonder if the world will be less like the place I left and more like Minority Report upon my release.  Will cars fly, will you be arrested for thinking a crime?  Will paper money be obsolete?  “Yes, can I get a #4, super-size the fries and sprite?”  And the robot at the window scans my retina.

If that’s the world I have to look forward to, so be it.  I’ll adjust and adapt.  It’s better than the simply stupid world that I live in now.  But that is not my biggest fear.  Everything that I’ve gone through, I’ve dealt with.  And everything that I’m going through, I’m dealing with.  Experience leads me to believe that everything that I will go through, I’ll deal with.  Do I feel like I have or can do it all by myself?  No.  I realize that my strength to endure has come from loved ones and God.  I’m no fool.  Foolish maybe, but well aware that the man that walks all alone won’t walk for long.  With that knowledge, I stand taller, smile when others sulk, and pray every day. 

When my life was all about me, I was miserable.  If my heart was here with me, it would probably wither, blacken and stop.  However, my heart is in Georgia, Austin, Colorado, Indiana, Houston, New Orleans, Shreveport, Fort Worth and in the heavens.  From all of those places I receive nurturing through love and kindness that my once selfish heart rejected.  For me, love equates strength.  I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been.

Iron bars, flying cars, life on Mars … none of that’s in my control.  What is in my control is my perspective and my peace.  There are the ups and downs.  Any journey has its share of turmoil but instead of letting the land conquer me, I use it for conditioning.

I’m far from perfect, but striving.  Even still, I have my moments of perfections, when a joy so radiant and consuming devours me, washes away my doubts, cleanses my senses, sharpens my outlook and warms my heart.  It is at once humbling and refreshing.  I’m reminded that I’m only a man but clearly aware of my purpose.  My purpose.  At 31, I feel blessed to be aware of what I’m meant to do, what’s expected of me and I’m ready.

 A psychic I’m not.  What the future holds, I can only imagine.  With my heart in the right place … places.  I only know I’ll be happy.  And isn’t it happiness that we all seek, the ultimate pursuit?

Prison, paternity suits, parental paradox, perverts, predators and past passions perished, I prevail, for my peace is priceless.  Perhaps worth pondering?   Predictions, prescriptions, presumptions, prosecution plus the possibility of prosperity persuade the petty with pretty promises.  In the end though, that which I hold most precious is hope.  Hope provides the power to keep on pushing.

Life is only as good or bad as we see it.  When you paint your picture, trying using the colors of love.