The joy of a phone call

October 10, 2011 9:12 pm

Dear Jan,

Well, I’m really lost for words this time…and I’m not. Because there’s so much to say and I don’t know how to start.

First off, it was beautiful to hear your voice! Can’t say why, but you sounded so different from what I anticipated. Your voice in my imagination was not as high, crisp, or refreshing. I smiled like a kitten with a bowl of milk for the entire 15 minutes of our call, and then for hours afterwards.

You guys make me feel so special, and hearing the love and excitement is someone’s voice was thrilling. I wanted to call right back and perhaps try to be more calm and composed, but I decided to ride the high and look forward to the next one!

Tell Joe that I didn’t mean to annoy him. I have so many questions but at the time, it was the freshest thing on my mind that I could recall through my excitement, And I do understand that he didn’t study spiders. I just thought that the topic might interest him and he’d want to know for himself as well as for me. It never crossed my mind that people probably ask him random crazy questions all the time. I do apologize.

He sounded pretty much like I’d expected.

That’s the first time I’ve used that phone down here. Crazy how much you learn to appreciate things you once took for granted.

Your poor Broncos. Maybe if they’d started Tebow… I don’t think he’s a good quarterback, but he finds a way to make the plays. He’s exciting to watch. My Texans gave up, but my Saints are playing very well.

Yeah, the “celly dilemma.” I really wish they’d match IQ’s when they pair people. I have to deal with dumb people all the time and it gets frustrating.

However, I develop patience and tolerance with each passing day, each interaction…each time I rise above the normal expectations, I count that as a victory. I win.

I’m really very excited, not only about talking to you but also about the progress of the book! I meant what I said. You guys have invested so much time and work into the book, I want it to do well so that you reap the benefits.

Much to say, much to think, much to do…a day at a time. I’m going to listen to a bit more of this Lions-Bears game and sleep for tomorrow. Long day today, trying to go to commissary. Finally made it, now it’s time to get back in the groove.

In my thoughts, in my prayers, in my heart!!!

Love,

P.S. Did I ask if you’d seen that Google Chrome commercial? Cool stuff!

BLOG Art Lessons

I’ve got my dilemmas, predicaments and misery is a companion I’d love to choke the life out of.  My ex-wife left me high and dry when I was at my lowest and has forced me out of my kids’ lives.  I know that my momma loves me … I think, but she has the strangest way of showing it.  I live amongst murderers, rapists and child molesters.  What I call home is a cement and iron box about six feet wide and nine feet deep, the toilet is two feet away from the head of my bed … er … um …bunk.  And I don’t see the parole board until 2025.

Yeah, it’s that bad.  But is it really?  I mean, don’t get it twisted.  I go through it, I’ve got my blues.  The same imagination that helped to usher me through an eventful yet happy childhood takes me places that I’d really rather not go.  For me, it’s easy to wonder if the world will be less like the place I left and more like Minority Report upon my release.  Will cars fly, will you be arrested for thinking a crime?  Will paper money be obsolete?  “Yes, can I get a #4, super-size the fries and sprite?”  And the robot at the window scans my retina.

If that’s the world I have to look forward to, so be it.  I’ll adjust and adapt.  It’s better than the simply stupid world that I live in now.  But that is not my biggest fear.  Everything that I’ve gone through, I’ve dealt with.  And everything that I’m going through, I’m dealing with.  Experience leads me to believe that everything that I will go through, I’ll deal with.  Do I feel like I have or can do it all by myself?  No.  I realize that my strength to endure has come from loved ones and God.  I’m no fool.  Foolish maybe, but well aware that the man that walks all alone won’t walk for long.  With that knowledge, I stand taller, smile when others sulk, and pray every day. 

When my life was all about me, I was miserable.  If my heart was here with me, it would probably wither, blacken and stop.  However, my heart is in Georgia, Austin, Colorado, Indiana, Houston, New Orleans, Shreveport, Fort Worth and in the heavens.  From all of those places I receive nurturing through love and kindness that my once selfish heart rejected.  For me, love equates strength.  I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been.

Iron bars, flying cars, life on Mars … none of that’s in my control.  What is in my control is my perspective and my peace.  There are the ups and downs.  Any journey has its share of turmoil but instead of letting the land conquer me, I use it for conditioning.

I’m far from perfect, but striving.  Even still, I have my moments of perfections, when a joy so radiant and consuming devours me, washes away my doubts, cleanses my senses, sharpens my outlook and warms my heart.  It is at once humbling and refreshing.  I’m reminded that I’m only a man but clearly aware of my purpose.  My purpose.  At 31, I feel blessed to be aware of what I’m meant to do, what’s expected of me and I’m ready.

 A psychic I’m not.  What the future holds, I can only imagine.  With my heart in the right place … places.  I only know I’ll be happy.  And isn’t it happiness that we all seek, the ultimate pursuit?

Prison, paternity suits, parental paradox, perverts, predators and past passions perished, I prevail, for my peace is priceless.  Perhaps worth pondering?   Predictions, prescriptions, presumptions, prosecution plus the possibility of prosperity persuade the petty with pretty promises.  In the end though, that which I hold most precious is hope.  Hope provides the power to keep on pushing.

Life is only as good or bad as we see it.  When you paint your picture, trying using the colors of love.

Jason has a Dream Girl

September 18, 2011 11:52 pm

Short and sweet! Just wanted to let you know that you are on my mind! I’m about to go to sleep. Long day tomorrow, but I’ll try to squeeze in a better letter than this one.

Also, I wanted to give you the info that I was sent when I wrote about the phones. Texasprisonphones.com 866-806-7804 or 866-963-7912 which is info I’m sure you already have. Other than that, they told me nothing, and I’ve tried to register your number through the phone. As always, TDC doesn’t make anything simple. Stupid. I call and a recorded voice tells me that the number is not on my approved calling list???

Anyhow, I’m too tired to try to figure it out. Know that I love you and I’m staying out of trouble. 

Love.

P.S. Hope you enjoyed your trip! I received the books! Thank you so much. I’ll save them for the next lockdown and enjoy them then.

September 22, 2011 9:59 pm

I know, I know, I promised a long letter. And I’m still promising it. The past days have been a circus! Oh, I’m fine, but I never have a moment’s free time while I’m somewhere that I can write you. And by this time of night, I’m exhausted.

The good news is, I’m staying busy! Plus, after I take this test Monday, I’ll be able to relax some.

Just wanted to let you know that you’re on my mind.

Love,

P.S. Still trying with the phone.

 October 1, 2011

Hey there, sweet, kind lady! Well, I finally find a free moment, a week later! Drama and politics, but I’ve survived.

Yeah, it’s been one thing or another, and my boss has put a large portion of the workload on me because she knows it’ll get done. Between work, working out, my cakes, and college, I’ve been swamped! Not to mention running a fantasy football league. Whew! Talk about more than I bargained for.

It could be worse. Busy is good. Seems like I’m always waking up and starting all over.

I see you’ve been busy as well! And you enjoyed the vacation. The pictures were cool! I’ve always loved nature, spent time outdoors and what not, but took it for granted, as I got older. The pics you send often keep me appreciative of how wonderful nature is.

My boss should be emailing you about the donation of the books that you’d asked me about. I wanted to make sure that it’s done where the State of Texas can’t screw it up. The mailroom seems to have layed off of me. Maybe she’s found a new victim.

Wow, so much with the phone already! I wrote in submitting the correct information, but they have not responded yet. I try to call every day and get the same response. I hate this place every day! Yet, I stay positive. You are a large part of that.

Got another letter from my father. (Feels weird calling him that). Honestly, I was ready to write him and hurt him the way he has hurt me, although I could only inflict a minute percentage of the pain he’s caused me. Then while as Mass last week, I was praying and started laughing. I knew that I wouldn’t write that ugly letter.

That night, a letter from him came and he was more open and sincere. Really, my heart goes out to the guy. He’s trying, and I’m glad that I didn’t attempt to hurt him because I’d been hurt. The last thing that man needs is for someone to kick him in the face. He’s trying, so I’m going to try, too.

My uncle came last Sunday. It was cool, as usual. It’s good to escape this madness as much as possible. I’m so thankful that he makes time for me. He’s fine, tired, travel weary, but fine.

Yeah, all the drama at work was caused by the regional director walking in one day while my boss was gone and deciding he didn’t want us in the library unsupervised around all those dangerous books. Well, the Major hates us and pounced, trying to cut us from 7 workers to 3. Fortunately, my boss wouldn’t go for it. She stood up to them, and showed them (made them watch 3 of us try to handle a crowd of 60) that it cannot be done by 3 workers. I was one of the 3 and not in danger of losing my job, but the pressure was still there. Ever since we’ve had to be on our A game, and we got in nearly 200 new books to inventory, catalog, label, shelve, and circulate.

I thank you for your patience. It’s just been crazy, but it’s trying to ease up. One of my co-workers got fired for mouthing off to the Major, leaving us with six, but I’m on top of my responsibilities.

Next Monday, there is no school, so I get a small break. I’ll still have to study, but with less pressure. I made an 80 on my first exam. That’s the lowest score I can ever remember. So I’ll have to ace the rest of my tests to keep my 4.0. Don’t fret, now I know what to expect. He threw a bunch of trick questions at us. Next time I’ll be prepared.

The blogs are coming. They’re in my head brewing. Probably this week they’ll find paper. I’ve got so much on my mind that I need to spill. The ones I’d started writing before…I lost two and went back to read two more and didn’t like them. Too angry.

Well, I’m going on and on. Of course you know that you’re in my thoughts and heart.

Love,

P.S. Have you seen that commercial for “Google Chrome”? Wow! Cool commercial, cooler program! I miss my kids. Did I tell you that the court dropped the case (child support) because my mom showed and Khristen didn’t? Yup.  After all that.

 

Blog - Dream Girl

My thoughts … whew.  My thoughts are never ending, a constant stream of everything imaginable ranging from concerns that I inhale all of those millions of dust motes and particles that I see so clearly floating in a ray of sunshine, to the gender of my creator, to what type of creature I was in my former life, to what my kids are thinking at this moment.  Anything and everything, non-stop, awake and asleep.

However, every night that I close my eyes to fall asleep, I see a beautiful woman in my bed.  Nooo, not this midget cost that I sleep on in this walk-in closet that I live in.  I mean, in my bed out there.

It’s a big bed, perhaps a king or queen size.  The sheets are not crisp and new with packaged creased in them, rather they are clean, worn just enough to be soft and inviting.  She is lying on her side with her back to me and although I can almost feel her lying on my arm, I can see her from behind and from above, also viewing myself.

We appear to be asleep, completely comfortable, uncovered.  She is wearing one of my T-shirts and I am wearing a pair of shorts.  She is never anyone that I know or recognize and she is always different.  Sometimes she is fair with brown hair, other times, more tanned with blond hair.  Often she is a tropical brown with straight raven hair, and sometimes she is any shade of caramel brown to ink black, but always beautiful.

That I do not recognize her does not bother me because I realize that we have not met yet.  But she is not just some woman lying in my bed.  She is the woman of my bed of life.  And I am beyond content.  I am happy.  This is how sleep finds me every single night.

Why am I never alone?  Even when I try to picture myself in that bed alone, she always pops up and I smile to myself.  Does this mean that I can’t be happy alone, or unless there is a gorgeous woman in my bed?  I think that unlikely.  But it does mean something.

Does maybe the fact that she is least often a black woman have something to do with my issues with the emotional abuse I’ve suffered in my dealings with black females?  Does the fact that even when she is plus sized, she is always in good physical shape a result of fantasy or due to my healthy lifestyle?  Does the fact that she is wearing one of my shirts mean some sort of sub-conscious statement of ownership?

Who knows?  Who cares?  I guess I do, but only for the moment.  I know that she brings me peace, puts a smile on my face and puts me right to sleep.  Even better, one day I’ll be able to thank her for helping me rest on so many countless nights and she’ll look at me like I’m crazy, probably even call me corny when I tell her that she’s the girl of my dreams.