Jason write a long letter

November 15, 2011

The days are too long, the nights aren’t long enough. Yeah, I’m fine, mainly because I’ m better equipped, better adjusted and because I have to be.

You have so much going on, and interesting things, too! I was very excited to see the BookCrafters website (http://self-publish-your-book.com). It looks very good and professional! It seems like you guys never rest. Y’all are always doing this or that, traveling here or there, helping he or she (or me), learning, growing, and giving.

Again, I have to say how much I enjoy and look forward to our conversations. I know it seems to have cut my letter writing. It’s not that though, my days are just so full. I hope that the few blogs are able to capture some of my expressions. Having to deal with such a wide range of emotions and feeling can be taxing, but I know that every circumstance I battle through makes me stronger and better prepared.

Not much going on that I have not mentioned on the phone. The past few days, some dudes have gotten “violated” by their homeboys (translation: Beat the hell out of by two or more members of your gang for committing some offense). It’s becoming an everyday thing. So glad I don’t answer to anybody.

Well, I just wanted to get a few lines your way along with these blogs. Had intended to write a good long letter but my celly needed to vent so I talked to him for what turned into two hours.

How bout them Broncos?!?

Love,

December 5, 2011

Wow, believe me when I say that time is flying, that I’m not exaggerating! Fast time is good, but I do not like writing on the run. Soooo, I decided that I must dedicate some special time to my special people. If I’m tired in the morning, oh well. Better to be a little tired and a lot loved than to be rested and to neglect those who do so much for you.

Hope the turkey day went by well and you guys were well fed and stuffed. I wanted to send my card but I’d already sent it to you once, plus, my hand turkey hasn’t improved in a quarter of a century.

The story you sent me about that guy who’d been imprisoned was moving. I too, see myself succeeding now that my life has turned for the better. Not being afraid or paranoid about slipping through the cracks and getting over on the legal system makes tons of difference. I think that once people are able to be honest with themselves, it changes the quality of their lives. Living a lie is so stressful and problematic that it never ends up being worth it. I can remember being caught up with 3 or 4 different females, telling them all that I loved them, scrambling to cover my tracks and keep up with my lies. A horrible existence.

Yeah, my uncle has been great, especially when I remember our true relation! He was here this past Sunday. That he finds time for me between flying all over the country is monumental to me. Don’t think I’ve ever loved, I mean truly loved so many people before in my life. When we have a visit, they send a written pass to our cell block so we can get dressed or whatever, then go out to the visitation area, strip, dress, and visit for the fastest two hours ever.

You make light of all the work that you guys do! You two stay busy. But that’s good. I completely understand. It’s kinda cool to look forward to the next day, anticipating the challenge of the tasks ahead of you. I do that with my free job now.

Vegetarians should eat turkey too.

I received the card! That was really cool! I get chills every time I see that book cover!

Speaking of books, the urge to write has been particularly strong lately even had new book ideas in my head. I’ve got a feeling that I’m going to go into one of those zones here real soon. Hopefully.

See, that’s the type of stuff I look forward to, donating to the ARC. I just want to live, give, and love. The rest will come.

As always, Joe’s blogs were very interesting and entertaining! I’ve only seen elephants in the Houston Zoo and from a distance. No, wait, I don’t remember any elephants at the zoo. That was the circus. I couldn’t imagine being charged by a creature of that magnitude. From the videos that I’ve seen about rogue elephants, I know that an angry elephant is nothing to play with. Is it really true that they never forget anything?

I do apologize for being so down lately. My mother’s limited role in my life has weighed heavily on my shoulders and as much as I want to just get over it, that’s impossible. Some hurt can’t be ignored.

Anyhow, it’s important that you know that you are appreciated. You have been a major contributor to my positive outlook and my ability to endure through tough situations. Man, writing myself crazy! Better not get carried away. Just wanted to get a real letter off to you.

I thank God and pray for you every night, because I feel that God assigns angels here on Earth to protect and look out for certain people. And I know that rare kind hearts like yours are blessings.

Love,

The joy of a phone call

October 10, 2011 9:12 pm

Dear Jan,

Well, I’m really lost for words this time…and I’m not. Because there’s so much to say and I don’t know how to start.

First off, it was beautiful to hear your voice! Can’t say why, but you sounded so different from what I anticipated. Your voice in my imagination was not as high, crisp, or refreshing. I smiled like a kitten with a bowl of milk for the entire 15 minutes of our call, and then for hours afterwards.

You guys make me feel so special, and hearing the love and excitement is someone’s voice was thrilling. I wanted to call right back and perhaps try to be more calm and composed, but I decided to ride the high and look forward to the next one!

Tell Joe that I didn’t mean to annoy him. I have so many questions but at the time, it was the freshest thing on my mind that I could recall through my excitement, And I do understand that he didn’t study spiders. I just thought that the topic might interest him and he’d want to know for himself as well as for me. It never crossed my mind that people probably ask him random crazy questions all the time. I do apologize.

He sounded pretty much like I’d expected.

That’s the first time I’ve used that phone down here. Crazy how much you learn to appreciate things you once took for granted.

Your poor Broncos. Maybe if they’d started Tebow… I don’t think he’s a good quarterback, but he finds a way to make the plays. He’s exciting to watch. My Texans gave up, but my Saints are playing very well.

Yeah, the “celly dilemma.” I really wish they’d match IQ’s when they pair people. I have to deal with dumb people all the time and it gets frustrating.

However, I develop patience and tolerance with each passing day, each interaction…each time I rise above the normal expectations, I count that as a victory. I win.

I’m really very excited, not only about talking to you but also about the progress of the book! I meant what I said. You guys have invested so much time and work into the book, I want it to do well so that you reap the benefits.

Much to say, much to think, much to do…a day at a time. I’m going to listen to a bit more of this Lions-Bears game and sleep for tomorrow. Long day today, trying to go to commissary. Finally made it, now it’s time to get back in the groove.

In my thoughts, in my prayers, in my heart!!!

Love,

P.S. Did I ask if you’d seen that Google Chrome commercial? Cool stuff!

BLOG Art Lessons

I’ve got my dilemmas, predicaments and misery is a companion I’d love to choke the life out of.  My ex-wife left me high and dry when I was at my lowest and has forced me out of my kids’ lives.  I know that my momma loves me … I think, but she has the strangest way of showing it.  I live amongst murderers, rapists and child molesters.  What I call home is a cement and iron box about six feet wide and nine feet deep, the toilet is two feet away from the head of my bed … er … um …bunk.  And I don’t see the parole board until 2025.

Yeah, it’s that bad.  But is it really?  I mean, don’t get it twisted.  I go through it, I’ve got my blues.  The same imagination that helped to usher me through an eventful yet happy childhood takes me places that I’d really rather not go.  For me, it’s easy to wonder if the world will be less like the place I left and more like Minority Report upon my release.  Will cars fly, will you be arrested for thinking a crime?  Will paper money be obsolete?  “Yes, can I get a #4, super-size the fries and sprite?”  And the robot at the window scans my retina.

If that’s the world I have to look forward to, so be it.  I’ll adjust and adapt.  It’s better than the simply stupid world that I live in now.  But that is not my biggest fear.  Everything that I’ve gone through, I’ve dealt with.  And everything that I’m going through, I’m dealing with.  Experience leads me to believe that everything that I will go through, I’ll deal with.  Do I feel like I have or can do it all by myself?  No.  I realize that my strength to endure has come from loved ones and God.  I’m no fool.  Foolish maybe, but well aware that the man that walks all alone won’t walk for long.  With that knowledge, I stand taller, smile when others sulk, and pray every day. 

When my life was all about me, I was miserable.  If my heart was here with me, it would probably wither, blacken and stop.  However, my heart is in Georgia, Austin, Colorado, Indiana, Houston, New Orleans, Shreveport, Fort Worth and in the heavens.  From all of those places I receive nurturing through love and kindness that my once selfish heart rejected.  For me, love equates strength.  I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been.

Iron bars, flying cars, life on Mars … none of that’s in my control.  What is in my control is my perspective and my peace.  There are the ups and downs.  Any journey has its share of turmoil but instead of letting the land conquer me, I use it for conditioning.

I’m far from perfect, but striving.  Even still, I have my moments of perfections, when a joy so radiant and consuming devours me, washes away my doubts, cleanses my senses, sharpens my outlook and warms my heart.  It is at once humbling and refreshing.  I’m reminded that I’m only a man but clearly aware of my purpose.  My purpose.  At 31, I feel blessed to be aware of what I’m meant to do, what’s expected of me and I’m ready.

 A psychic I’m not.  What the future holds, I can only imagine.  With my heart in the right place … places.  I only know I’ll be happy.  And isn’t it happiness that we all seek, the ultimate pursuit?

Prison, paternity suits, parental paradox, perverts, predators and past passions perished, I prevail, for my peace is priceless.  Perhaps worth pondering?   Predictions, prescriptions, presumptions, prosecution plus the possibility of prosperity persuade the petty with pretty promises.  In the end though, that which I hold most precious is hope.  Hope provides the power to keep on pushing.

Life is only as good or bad as we see it.  When you paint your picture, trying using the colors of love.

Finally a letter from Jason

August 14, 2011  8:29 pm

Woe. So sorry it’s been so long! Truly. First, I didn’t have any stamps because of the lockdown, then when we came back up, there was so much work to be done at work that I had little time for much. Still, that’s no excuse. Plus, I’ve been trying to avoid Mr. Moron. That takes a lot of my time away because I get angry when he speaks to me. It’s not a good situation. I just got through cleaning coffee off of the walls and pencil splinters off of the floor. (I don’t drink coffee or smoke cigarettes). Anyhow, it’s a task living with someone so stupid, but I’m sick of complaining about him.

How are you? Hope you weren’t worried about me. You ought to know that I’m a big boy by now. Aside from Mr. Moron, things have been pretty good. I keep myself busy, so the days are shooting by, and the sooner we escape into September, the better. This heat is unbearable. Nearly 50 days of 100+ temps. Then I’ll read how it’s 122 in Saudi Arabia and thank God that it’s not that hot here.

Thank you for writing anyhow! And the pictures, as always, were beautiful. Often times, I match the photos you send to scenes locked in my mind from books.

My uncle has been busy with training camp so I’ve not seen him. But he will visit soon. Speaking of visits, my mom and brother were supposed to visit this weekend but I guess something came up. It’s okay. As long as they are all right. Oh, I’m disappointed, but life goes on. I know that they aren’t intentionally getting my hopes up, so I remain in good spirits. Got enough here to keep me miserable.

Yes! Football! I am thrilled about the coming season. I got a chance to watch your Broncos play Dallas. Your first team looks good, especially Knowshon Moreno. But Tim Tebow is clueless. God forbid Orton gets hurt. And Dallas is the same Dallas from last year. I can’t believe that they didn’t do anything to strengthen their secondary. They still suck. From what I’ve read, my Saints and Texans both beefed up their defenses. Great! I can’t wait for the season!

I’m gonna need your help again. Not only am I playing fantasy football this year, I’m running the league. And as commissioner, I’ve had to do a bunch of work. Now I need to scout. I know you are busy, but I also know that you don’t mind doing favors for me when you have the time. So, I need lists of the top 50 players at each (fantasy) skilled position, ex: QB, RB, WR, TE, DEF, and Kickers. You don’t have to print the photos out like last year, just the rankings. They can be found at NFL.com or ESPN or USA Today. Also, I need a few images. I’m trying to make a few extra dollars and I need some logos so this guy I know can make stickers for me. The logos I need are the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and two from Houston record labels. One is “Swisherhouse” and the other is “Screwed Up Click” or S.U.C. If you can’t find them, no big deal, but anything you can send on fantasy football will be greatly appreciated. In all, there is $300 at stake this season and I plan to win as much of it as possible.

I can’t believe Rick Perry is running for president. What a jerk!

Not only did I enjoy the Wilbur Smith books, many people have asked to read the books. He’s a pretty popular author. I also enjoyed Centennial. It started slow, but it was really good and informative.

No, no, I wanted to know when you guy’s birthdays were. But a calendar is a good idea. I’ll gather all of the dates.

Got a few blogs here, but waiting for one more before I send them.

Next week I’ll be changing my visitation list. Do I need to put you both on it or just who the phone bill is named for? Because you guys are my Aunt and Uncle, you’ll be added to my contact visit list. The information you’ll need can be found at 866-806-7804 or www.Texasprisonphone.com. It will be a special treat to speak directly to you!

The Ice Princess sent my mom pictures of the kids. They are growing so fast! My goodness! And my baby girl looks just like me. I really miss them! I continue to pray that she’ll eventually let me be a part of their lives, but thinking about them causes me so much pain.

My father also wrote and it pissed me off because he still refuses to be a father. Instead he wants to be my friend and that pisses me off. Still, I wasn’t rude or disrespectful to him.

The articles were very entertaining. I enjoyed reading about that side of Shannon Sharpe. And the photos of the waterfalls…refreshing. I wrap a wet towel around my head, place my fan behind me and pretend I’m on the beach. It works until the towel dries and the hot air from the fan starts to bake me. Come on winter! I’ll take the cold any day.

I’m still amazed at how much I learned about Colorado from Centennial. Amazing.

Well, I better wrap this up. Another long day tomorrow. Glad to see that you are busy and happy. I love my job and try to get as much accomplished each day as I can.

Trust, that even when I don’t write, I love you dearly!

Love,

Joe,

Yes, excellent books! Now I’m anxious to read the remaining ones. Thank you so much for exposing me to a whole new world!

Your blogs are always fun to read and informative. I learn so much while being entertained.

Centennial was also a very good book and from it I learned a wealth of knowledge about Colorado and it’s early people. Batting 1000 so far.

I’ll check on the other book and see if I can get my boss to order a copy if it’s still in circulation.

Right now I’m tired and need rest for tomorrow, but I still have several questions about all sorts of things that I’ll get to.

Do you know what the most poisonous spider is? I’ve been researching it at work but came up empty. And is it lore that the leopard is the most efficient killer of the big cats? I keep trying to explain to these people that panthers are just jaguars, but they don’t believe me.

Thanks for everything,

 

Blog   No Say

Love.

Just what is this emotion?  A good portion of my life has been spent pondering, daydreaming, exploring, probing, testing the limits of, basking in, recovering from, searching for, running from…and I think I know more about love as a child than I do as a 31 year old man.

Or perhaps I understand love and it’s woman that I’m clueless about?  I mean, the love I have for family, especially my kids…man, that love is complete, total, ever reaching and very much understood.

So let’s say that it’s women that has me going in circles.  Am I alone?  Doubt it, seriously.  Any man who says that he has women figured out…well, I’d bet he’s a fool or very, very gay.

Honest truth, I’ve been so deep in love that everything else in the world ceased to exist, and when that love was gone, it took me forever to overcome the suffering, to fill the void left by the absence of that special person.  I’m talking, physical sickness.  Time may or may not heal all wounds, but thank God that it has healed mine.  For the most part.

There are scars that I will wear forever.  However, those scars will protect me in the future.  Like a fighter who suffers a cut to the eye, or a broken rib, he learns to protect himself better in future fights.  My emotional scars have taught me to better defend myself.  Even as eager as I am to share my life and give my love to someone, I will be cautious about how close, how fast I let anyone get to me.  And I’m afraid that I’ll abandon a relationship before I allow myself to be hurt again.

My dilemma.  Will a woman want to fight through my amour?  Will she be willing to understand that it’s not her, it’s the women before her.  The women that I’ve loved the most, some claim to still love me, yet accidentally hurt me all the time.  This does not help my viewpoint.  And I am by no means innocent.  Oh, I’ve caused too much pain in too many lives.  Still, I have no intentions on causing any more pain, nor will I accept pain at the hands of a love.

Those former loves haunt my thoughts, when awake and in my dreams.  These women own all of my free adult life and part of my adolescent years.  They owned my heart, gave birth to my children, taught me, distraught me, caught me, clipped me and now I guess I’m free.  But am I?

No those women have a hold on me.  Lord knows that I want to hate them, but I can’t, my heart won’t allow me.  The only safety I have is to distance myself.  I cannot allow those women back into my life, or more importantly, my heart.

I will be attracted to women because they remind me of those women.  Then I will shut out women for the same reasons.  It is not fair, but it is reality.  I fear that things can be perfect in a relationship, and the first time she does something that one of them did to hurt me, I’m out the door.  Surely I’m doomed.

Am I perhaps looking for something that I’m not capable of possessing?  How can I love without trust?  Do I think I can trust any woman?  Hell no.  So I’m left to pray that one comes along and sees something in me that’s worth fighting for, and that she’s patient and persistent enough to deal with my evasiveness.  Either that, or I meet a woman strong enough to break through my barriers.

However, it plays out, whatever my reservations, I realize that I have very little say so in the whole matter.  I’m at love’s mercy.  And love could care less what I understand, what I’ve been through and what my intentions are.  Sadly enough, a woman convinced of what she wants won’t give a damn either.  Yeah, that’s love for you.