Jason has hopes for the New Year 2012

January 3, 2012

Well, here I am again.  But this time I’m all the way positive, my mind is clear and I’m ready for the journey.  Yeah, the stuff I’d written before was … ah… kinda scattered and dark.  So I trashed it.  Yep.  Felt good too.  I knew you’d understand, I only want to embrace the good.  Oh I know that bad is a part of life and I’ll express that too, but those last pages of writing were not me.

So glad you enjoy your holidays!  Happy New Year!  I see you never stopped working.  I’m going to follow your lead and work my tail off this year.  I put in work in 2011, but I could and will give more.

Already I’ve been delinquent on the workouts, on my reading and prayer.  And it’s crazy how the milestones seem to bring about another level of noticeable clarity and maturity.  With each passing day I see myself more separate from the rest of these people.  I look at the television less and watch the people.  No one it at a standstill, they’re either progressing or regressing.  Gotta get better, anything else is madness!

What’s it been for us, three years now?  Doesn’t seem that long and what a difference you and Joe have made in my life.  Positive people planting positive seeds.  Hope you’re proud of your fruit.

It’s really quite a story, especially when you look at the friendship that developed, although you busy are more parents than friends, but still friends.  You know what I mean. 

By now, we know that I’m super extra sensitive when it comes to people I love.  And I don’t remember exactly how the exchange went, but I only implied sending the letters for Letters to My children book to my aunts because 1) they suggested that, 2) I don’t want to assume that I can just cook up some book idea and that I’m special, I’m just considering all the work ya’ll put into the first book and I just don’t want to be imposing.  My intention was not to offend or give the impression that I wish to go through someone else.  It’s just me being me.  I must be considerate of what you guys have going on.  After all, I would not be where I am now (in my writing) if not for you.  It’s important that you understand that you are appreciated and that I do not nor would I ever take you for granted.

Can you sense my excitement though?  It’s bigger than the book idea, which was excellent (I’ll have to thank my aunts).  It’s that I’ve been holding in so much concerning my kids and the idea of getting it all out, hoping that it falls into their hands and get a chance to know me and my truths…it’s very exciting.

Then, I’m sure that I’m going to go ahead and follow through on one of the novels.  No excuses this year.  I’m almost looking forward to this lockdown which should be any day now.  If I don’t call this weekend, you know we are locked down.  It’s rumored to only be two weeks instead of 30 days, but I’ll have to see that to believe it.

Anyhow, I wrote the first letter on New Year’s Eve.  That’s how I wanted to bring in my new year, reaching out to my babies.  It’s going to be cleansing and therapeutic.  I’m going to be able to say things to them that I can’t say to others and share a part of me that most people never get to see.  As serious as I am, I’m a big kid at heart. 

Well, your Broncos made it in by the skin of their teeth.  Pittsburg is going to be a challenge, but they can be beat.  My poor Texans are going to have to fight for everything, but my Saints should have a cake walk. If they can beat Green Bay, and they can, they’ll win the Super Bowl.

Okay, back to the book (can you tell I’m excited?) I can see the cover and everything!

I know you said that you’re not religious, but do you believe in angels?  Growing up I always imagined guardian angels as like fairy people hovering over us to guard us.  But now I think that people on earth can be guardian angels, servants of God sent into the lives of those in despair to guide them back to hope.  God sent me two of his best!

Ha, look at me going on and on and on!  I’ll wrap it up here and send this out.  Hope you got the card I sent, I forgot to ask on the phone.  Be good and stay warm!

Love,

P.S.  Could you make me another resolution sheet like you did last year?  My 2012 resolutions are included.

2012

Reach out to my kids!

Humble myself!

Be even more productive!

Be more positive!

Be steadfast in my faith!

Be motivated!

Be even more courteous!

Never slack off!

Persevere without and through failure!

Learn from y mistakes as well as the mistakes of others!

Never fail!

Never make mistakes!!!

Essay - ARCHITECTURE

Years ago, I noticed the title of one of Talib Kaels’ CDs “The Beautiful Struggle” and I wondered, what in the hell is so beautiful about it?

Today, I listened as two TDCJ officers talked about fighting to a younger inmate.  They were enthusiastically promoting the use of violence to solve a problem.  Usually I hold my tongue but I chose to step in.  I told them that a “man” fights mentally, that you can’t think of one place in industrialized society where grown men fight outside of the boxing ring.

Both of these men looked at me like I’d just admitted to wearing pink g-string panties.  One is a regular prison guard but the other is a Safe Prisons officer, a Sergeant.  How ironic?  I was the only “man” in the room and looked down on for rejecting ignorance.

The more I thought about it, the more disturbed I became.  How could I be frowned upon by guys who haven’t seen a percentage of the death and pain in the streets that I have?  With all the dirt and blood on my hands, those dudes would dare to look down on me.

In that moment I understood The Beautiful Struggle.  Yes, it is beautiful that a gangster can become a gentle man, that one who has taken so much can learn to give, to live, to promote life.

Their rejection of me caused something in me to wither and die, their judgment murdered a part of me…but from that death, something greater was born.  Enlightenment.  In that tragic moment, the rays of revelation shone upon me.  I realized that the world is composed of people, builders and destroyers.  Those two prison guards are destroyers, looking to further tear down a peo0ple already crippled by negativity, ignorance and self-defeat.  But I am a builder.  It is my calling to construct and reconstruct, to build and stabilize, to fortify, to support, to salvage.  No, we won’t be rebuilt overnight or in a day, and I won’t be able to do it alone, but in time, through hard work, dedication and vision, I know that we can be restored to pride, strength and dignity.

A Beautiful Struggle indeed!  I am down for the cause and up to the challenge.  What about you?  Have you come all this way to demolish or build?

It's not easy having a celly

June 20, 2011 2:36 a.m.

Hello! Sorry, I meant to write earlier but I was so tired that I lay down around 7:30 p.m. Yeah, heat on top of the long hours on my feet at work. But it’s pleasant to be working, and in the A/C most of the day.  Once I get used to the schedule, I’ll be fine.

Glad to hear from you today!  I finally got moved again, so I’m not in the cell with that particular idiot, though I’m sure they’ll give me something equally distasteful in the next few days. At the moment, I’m by myself, which you know, is ideal for me.

Up early so I can pick up my hypertension meds and I have a lay-in for some blood work at 4 a.m. Yeah, horrible time, but I’ve skipped it twice now so…just makes for a long day.  I’ll maintain.

Got a visit from my uncle this Saturday.  Always a pleasure. You guys really restored my faith in good people!  He’s so busy all the time, I almost feel guilty for the time he takes for me. And you have kept pretty busy as well!  That’s good, because you seem overjoyed when busy, which is cool.

If I failed to thank you and Joe for the spider stuff, allow me to thank you.  And thank you for all that you do!  That was indeed useful info, and what I had was cellar spiders.  Of course, I had to leave them behind in my old cell.  Right now though, my time for pets is limited.  I barely have time for myself.

Cool card you sent!  I think it might have riled the Warden’s feathers a bit, but he’ll be okay. Hasn’t said anything to me about it.  I really don’t care how he feels.  He still hasn’t replaced my property yet, so we’ll see.

I do intend to do some writing here in the coming days.  Right now I have no down time at work due to putting book jacket flaps in the back of the books and cataloging the 102 new books we just received.  And my free time is “zero” until I get in a groove, but bear with me.

Unfortunately, I’m sitting in the infirmary and away from your letters, but I’ll make it a point to go back and respond.  The living conditions are much better where I am now than where I was, so that’s another plus. I don’t mind accepting my blessing in doses.

Well, I hope I’ve eased your mind.  I know that you worry about me, Mom.

Love.

P.S. Sure I’m forgetting something, but you know where my head and my heart are.

June 25, 2011 3:09 p.m.

Well, my joy was short lived.  Yeah, I know.  Imagine how I feel.  You know, I try to be optimistic.  I really do, but… I hold so much inside.  It seems like I’m the only one with any understanding, with any consideration, and it’s frustrating.

Again, they’ve put an idiot in the cell with me.  I wish I could just stay at work.  Really.  You try to be nice to people, and I know this dude has enough snap to know what he’s doing…makes me want to beat the hell out of him.  I’m sorry, it’s true.  Maybe that’s all some people understand.  I won’t, but it would make me feel better.  I’ve been in the hot dayroom all morning until just minutes ago.  That’s half of the day.  Yet, I come to the cell and it looks like a Chinese Laundromat.  My clothesline is hanging full of his wet and still dirty clothes.  It’s against the rules to have a clothesline up before six p.m.  Everyone knows that.  Then he’s sitting in here on the toilet in his boxers, writing a 60-page letter.  More so because I’ve given him all day to himself, and I’d like to have some time to myself, too.  As of now, I’d have to ask him to move so I can pee, or workout, and I’m not into asking permission, especially in my cell.  Of course, I could tell him to get his stupid ass out of my way before I beat him half to death, but that would get me sent to lock up.

I told him he can use my radio, so I don’t mind him wearing my headphones, at least he’s not talking to me.  He never shuts the hell up.  The point is, it isn’t going to work.  I can’t stand to have someone on top of me all the time.  And he’s a “cluck.”  A “crash dummy.”  He can’t think.  Stupid people infuriate me.  He comes in saying that he’s a “Christian.”  But he chain smokes, justifying it with “we all have fault.”  Well, when you choose to smoke your food, it’s your fault that I won’t feed you.

Jan, I know it sounds like I’m ranting, but a man needs time to himself in this place or you’ll go crazy.  A man needs to be alone with his thoughts, be able to use the bathroom, workout, bathe, write, work, whatever, in peace, without somebody constantly two feet away from you, especially someone you have nothing in common with.  Part of me wants to tell him “get the fxxx out of here and don’t come back until rack time,” but I don’t want people scared of me anymore.  I just want to be left alone.  In here, it’s a common courtesy to give your celly alone time, that’s understood. Yet, I work ten hours a day, leaving him about five hours to himself and he still insists on being in here right on top of me. Can’t win for losing.

I’m frustrated and pissed right now.  Maybe, hopefully I’ll feel better later.