November 6, 2011
Dear Jan,
Whew! If I could just slowdown time for a
moment…well…nah…better not do that. Gotta be careful what I wish for. Slowing
down time in prison isn’t such a great idea.
Great to talk to you and Joe! You guys are really family! I look
forward to the warm and welcoming voice. You are the best. Since you’ve come
into and stayed in my life, I’ve become a lot less cynical. I almost expect
good in people, at least I look for it. Ah, the power of love.
How crazy is it that now, instead of looking for drugs to
calm my nerves, I reach for a hot cup of tea. I feel so civilized. Actually, my
mom would give me tea before bed. Bigelow offered so many flavors that I
actually looked forward to my bedtime mug of tea.
I know I said I’d get a blog to you, but I ended up getting
a visit from my uncle and I don’t want to visit that place I need to go
to write that one. Surely you understand the emotional investment I put into my
writing. I can’t go to a bitter or dark place half-heartedly. I become that
mood.
Needless to say that the visit was good. He was so tired, I
felt bad that he’d taken time to come see me instead of resting. I was touched,
though, and told him so. I mean, he has his own kids and has been more of a
father to me that anyone ever has. Hell, Joe too. Amazing thing…compassion.
You are so busy! It pays the bills, though, and you seem to
enjoy rising to the occasion.
What you said to me a few weekends back has stuck in my head
and my heart. Admitting that I need someone used to be an impossible
task for me, yet now I do it without shame. Glad that I can fill the void and
blessed that you kindly fill mine. True, I long to thrive in society on my own
two feet, but love is something that we all need. Sometimes life moves so fast
that we forget to express ourselves sincerely. It’s good to be able to
reciprocate some of all the goodness you give.
Everyday shows me that we are mirrors. At work, I reflect
the attitude in front of me. You’d be amazed at how it gets my point across.
I’ll be short and curt with people who are curt with me and polite to the
person right next to them.
Anyhow, not trying to blab on about me right now. I’m in
more of a reflective mood. You know that when the dam burst though…
Have you ever thought of writing a book? Just curious. I
think you’d write the perfect children’s books. You have that “motherly”
quality that can’t be taught. You are a natural nurturer.
Animals! I love animals! My problem is that I want to know
so much about them once interested. Whenever I get pictures of wildlife from
you guys, my mind races, I “picture” myself there, smell the smells, and
breathe the air.
Speaking of animals, I just fed my spider a juicy beetle!
Well, now I’m rambling. I’ll get some rest and prepare for
this long week ahead of me. The Unit is being audited by its parent agency and
it’s going to be madness. However, I will, no doubt, find the mood I need to
write that blog. This place won’t allow for prolonged joy or even peace of
mind.
Good thing I can
count on your hugs by the bundle on a regular basis!
Love,
Woe! Two days later and I’m cleaning up, I find your letter
that I thought I’d mailed. Sorry. Guess I’m moving way too fast. On my way out
in the morning, I’ll drop this for sure.
BLOG - Love or Nothing
She hated me…and I thought that she loved me. How could I not see that she hated me? The abuse, the lack of affection, the
distance…it definitely was not love.
Perhaps once upon a time it was, but in the end there was nothing there
but pure hatred.
The strength of that vile emotion would still hurt to this
day if I were still able to feel anything
for her. Maybe I hate her too? But my hatred is not a violent, ugly,
thrashing thing, it’s tamer, more subtle, probably not hate at all but
numbness. Yes, that’s what it is. I’m not capable of hatred, no one can ever
have that sort of power over me again in either direction, love or hate.
It’s also possible that some people cannot reciprocate
kindness and tenderness…they need, thrive, feed off of neglect, disrespect and
abuse. Maybe she would have continued to
love me if I beat her, kicks and punches instead of hugs and kisses? I’ll
never know. Those are needs beyond
my scope. She needed to fight to love,
all I needed was love.
So how can two people so wrong for each other seem (at one
point in time) so right? Together, in
lust disguised as love, we created two gorgeous, intelligent children and a
fair share of pleasant memories. But,
the destruction of the storm is what I remember most, what makes me weary of
other women, suspicious of hidden hatred, malicious intent, evil in the eyes
and venom in her words. Although I know
that I’ve never been the type to be alone, I fear a serious relationship with a
woman who may turn out to be crazy and ignorant, and marriage is completely out
of the question. So am I destined for
loneliness, or is there a woman out there who appreciates kindness and
sincerity? One can only hope. I’ll flee from any abuse without
understanding or regret, yet I will run to compassion and respect. What I will not do is ever mistake hatred for
love. Miserable people deserve each
other, I won’t be misery’s companion.
Not again. Never again. Love or nothing, and right now, nothing
doesn’t sound so bad.
