Jason write a long letter

November 15, 2011

The days are too long, the nights aren’t long enough. Yeah, I’m fine, mainly because I’ m better equipped, better adjusted and because I have to be.

You have so much going on, and interesting things, too! I was very excited to see the BookCrafters website (http://self-publish-your-book.com). It looks very good and professional! It seems like you guys never rest. Y’all are always doing this or that, traveling here or there, helping he or she (or me), learning, growing, and giving.

Again, I have to say how much I enjoy and look forward to our conversations. I know it seems to have cut my letter writing. It’s not that though, my days are just so full. I hope that the few blogs are able to capture some of my expressions. Having to deal with such a wide range of emotions and feeling can be taxing, but I know that every circumstance I battle through makes me stronger and better prepared.

Not much going on that I have not mentioned on the phone. The past few days, some dudes have gotten “violated” by their homeboys (translation: Beat the hell out of by two or more members of your gang for committing some offense). It’s becoming an everyday thing. So glad I don’t answer to anybody.

Well, I just wanted to get a few lines your way along with these blogs. Had intended to write a good long letter but my celly needed to vent so I talked to him for what turned into two hours.

How bout them Broncos?!?

Love,

December 5, 2011

Wow, believe me when I say that time is flying, that I’m not exaggerating! Fast time is good, but I do not like writing on the run. Soooo, I decided that I must dedicate some special time to my special people. If I’m tired in the morning, oh well. Better to be a little tired and a lot loved than to be rested and to neglect those who do so much for you.

Hope the turkey day went by well and you guys were well fed and stuffed. I wanted to send my card but I’d already sent it to you once, plus, my hand turkey hasn’t improved in a quarter of a century.

The story you sent me about that guy who’d been imprisoned was moving. I too, see myself succeeding now that my life has turned for the better. Not being afraid or paranoid about slipping through the cracks and getting over on the legal system makes tons of difference. I think that once people are able to be honest with themselves, it changes the quality of their lives. Living a lie is so stressful and problematic that it never ends up being worth it. I can remember being caught up with 3 or 4 different females, telling them all that I loved them, scrambling to cover my tracks and keep up with my lies. A horrible existence.

Yeah, my uncle has been great, especially when I remember our true relation! He was here this past Sunday. That he finds time for me between flying all over the country is monumental to me. Don’t think I’ve ever loved, I mean truly loved so many people before in my life. When we have a visit, they send a written pass to our cell block so we can get dressed or whatever, then go out to the visitation area, strip, dress, and visit for the fastest two hours ever.

You make light of all the work that you guys do! You two stay busy. But that’s good. I completely understand. It’s kinda cool to look forward to the next day, anticipating the challenge of the tasks ahead of you. I do that with my free job now.

Vegetarians should eat turkey too.

I received the card! That was really cool! I get chills every time I see that book cover!

Speaking of books, the urge to write has been particularly strong lately even had new book ideas in my head. I’ve got a feeling that I’m going to go into one of those zones here real soon. Hopefully.

See, that’s the type of stuff I look forward to, donating to the ARC. I just want to live, give, and love. The rest will come.

As always, Joe’s blogs were very interesting and entertaining! I’ve only seen elephants in the Houston Zoo and from a distance. No, wait, I don’t remember any elephants at the zoo. That was the circus. I couldn’t imagine being charged by a creature of that magnitude. From the videos that I’ve seen about rogue elephants, I know that an angry elephant is nothing to play with. Is it really true that they never forget anything?

I do apologize for being so down lately. My mother’s limited role in my life has weighed heavily on my shoulders and as much as I want to just get over it, that’s impossible. Some hurt can’t be ignored.

Anyhow, it’s important that you know that you are appreciated. You have been a major contributor to my positive outlook and my ability to endure through tough situations. Man, writing myself crazy! Better not get carried away. Just wanted to get a real letter off to you.

I thank God and pray for you every night, because I feel that God assigns angels here on Earth to protect and look out for certain people. And I know that rare kind hearts like yours are blessings.

Love,

Jason is in a reflective mood

November 6, 2011

Dear Jan,

Whew! If I could just slowdown time for a moment…well…nah…better not do that. Gotta be careful what I wish for. Slowing down time in prison isn’t such a great idea.

Great to talk to you and Joe! You guys are really family! I look forward to the warm and welcoming voice. You are the best. Since you’ve come into and stayed in my life, I’ve become a lot less cynical. I almost expect good in people, at least I look for it. Ah, the power of love.

How crazy is it that now, instead of looking for drugs to calm my nerves, I reach for a hot cup of tea. I feel so civilized. Actually, my mom would give me tea before bed. Bigelow offered so many flavors that I actually looked forward to my bedtime mug of tea.

I know I said I’d get a blog to you, but I ended up getting a visit from my uncle and I don’t want to visit that place I need to go to write that one. Surely you understand the emotional investment I put into my writing. I can’t go to a bitter or dark place half-heartedly. I become that mood.

Needless to say that the visit was good. He was so tired, I felt bad that he’d taken time to come see me instead of resting. I was touched, though, and told him so. I mean, he has his own kids and has been more of a father to me that anyone ever has. Hell, Joe too. Amazing thing…compassion.

You are so busy! It pays the bills, though, and you seem to enjoy rising to the occasion.

What you said to me a few weekends back has stuck in my head and my heart. Admitting that I need someone used to be an impossible task for me, yet now I do it without shame. Glad that I can fill the void and blessed that you kindly fill mine. True, I long to thrive in society on my own two feet, but love is something that we all need. Sometimes life moves so fast that we forget to express ourselves sincerely. It’s good to be able to reciprocate some of all the goodness you give.

Everyday shows me that we are mirrors. At work, I reflect the attitude in front of me. You’d be amazed at how it gets my point across. I’ll be short and curt with people who are curt with me and polite to the person right next to them.

Anyhow, not trying to blab on about me right now. I’m in more of a reflective mood. You know that when the dam burst though…

Have you ever thought of writing a book? Just curious. I think you’d write the perfect children’s books. You have that “motherly” quality that can’t be taught. You are a natural nurturer.

Animals! I love animals! My problem is that I want to know so much about them once interested. Whenever I get pictures of wildlife from you guys, my mind races, I “picture” myself there, smell the smells, and breathe the air.

Speaking of animals, I just fed my spider a juicy beetle!

Well, now I’m rambling. I’ll get some rest and prepare for this long week ahead of me. The Unit is being audited by its parent agency and it’s going to be madness. However, I will, no doubt, find the mood I need to write that blog. This place won’t allow for prolonged joy or even peace of mind.

 Good thing I can count on your hugs by the bundle on a regular basis!

Love,

Woe! Two days later and I’m cleaning up, I find your letter that I thought I’d mailed. Sorry. Guess I’m moving way too fast. On my way out in the morning, I’ll drop this for sure.

BLOG -  Love or Nothing

She hated me…and I thought that she loved me.  How could I not see that she hated me?  The abuse, the lack of affection, the distance…it definitely was not love.  Perhaps once upon a time it was, but in the end there was nothing there but pure hatred.

The strength of that vile emotion would still hurt to this day if I were still able to feel anything for her.  Maybe I hate her too?  But my hatred is not a violent, ugly, thrashing thing, it’s tamer, more subtle, probably not hate at all but numbness.  Yes, that’s what it is.  I’m not capable of hatred, no one can ever have that sort of power over me again in either direction, love or hate.

It’s also possible that some people cannot reciprocate kindness and tenderness…they need, thrive, feed off of neglect, disrespect and abuse.  Maybe she would have continued to love me if I beat her, kicks and punches instead of hugs and kisses?  I’ll never know.  Those are needs beyond my scope.  She needed to fight to love, all I needed was love.

So how can two people so wrong for each other seem (at one point in time) so right?  Together, in lust disguised as love, we created two gorgeous, intelligent children and a fair share of pleasant memories.  But, the destruction of the storm is what I remember most, what makes me weary of other women, suspicious of hidden hatred, malicious intent, evil in the eyes and venom in her words.  Although I know that I’ve never been the type to be alone, I fear a serious relationship with a woman who may turn out to be crazy and ignorant, and marriage is completely out of the question.  So am I destined for loneliness, or is there a woman out there who appreciates kindness and sincerity?  One can only hope.  I’ll flee from any abuse without understanding or regret, yet I will run to compassion and respect.  What I will not do is ever mistake hatred for love.  Miserable people deserve each other, I won’t be misery’s companion.  Not again.  Never again.  Love or nothing, and right now, nothing doesn’t sound so bad.